tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-226813272024-02-20T15:03:14.420-08:00Too Many Puns!The encourage-able punslinger, Gary Hallock daily (almost) posts some of his fresh and original material occasionally accompanied by the works of some of his re-noun-ed pun palsGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.comBlogger145125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-47418587553986607272011-07-19T06:43:00.001-07:002011-07-19T06:43:18.369-07:00DIVINE MISINFORMATIONIs it possible that Obama's removal of Gates from Defense has anything to do with todays news the closing of our Borders?<p>While this is not exactly punny, I'm certainly enjoying the beautiful irony in the fact that News of the World is not around cover the delicious scandals swarming around the meltdown of Rupert Murdoch's media empire. Someone should start up a new tabloid devoted exclusively to covering this sleazy skulduggery. It would be an instant best seller. <p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-39593129059176917512011-06-24T06:31:00.001-07:002011-06-24T06:31:55.673-07:00AMERICA'S LEAST WANTEDI heard on the news today that crime boss Whitey Bulger had been arrested. Now I'm really confused. Wasn't that Anthony Weiner's Twitter name?<p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-31142287471232369892011-06-21T21:56:00.001-07:002011-06-21T21:56:36.934-07:00BREAK FAST IN BEDImagine my surprise this past Sunday morning when I awoke to discover that my wonderful wife had made me breakfast in bed for Father's Day. What a sweet and thoughtful thing to do! Of course considering the amount of clean-up we had to do afterwards, I'm thinking it might have worked much better if she had just gone ahead and made breakfast in the kitchen and then brought it to me in the bed. <p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-86404453108106609562010-12-02T08:42:00.001-08:002010-12-02T08:42:23.190-08:00BEAT THE HOLIDAY RUSH<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 13px; ">To address the growing problem of obesity in our society, the Catholics now has a special room in the church where you can go to anonymously unburden yourself of your calorie-packed holiday candies and cookies. They call it a "confectional." If you go there often enough, you're sure to loose that big belly and find "ab-solution."</span><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#333333" face="'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br></span></font><div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><div>Gary Hallock</div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline"></span></span> </div> <br></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-13462768904119133312010-09-27T06:32:00.001-07:002010-09-27T06:32:16.002-07:00MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 34)After a long evening of worrying over her super hero husband who was off on yet another crime fighting adventure, Mary Jane switched on her webcam and spied her man on the monitor. Noticing he had a big rip in the leg of his blue & red costume, she thought to herself, "Arachnids a tough job he's doing. I really should cut him some slacks." <div><br></div><div>A bus load of Playboy bunnies wrecked on the highway and many were injured. Some are still in un staple condition.</div><div><br></div><div>Then there was the neanderthal man who was hanging around with a bunch of his homo erectus pals. They kept urging him to walk upright but he said he just didn't want to get evolved.<br><div><br></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Q: What's the difference between spreading genetic material between two plants and pissing off Pacific Islanders by trying to convert them to Christianity?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">A: One results in cross pollination and one results in a cross Polynesian.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Waiting in the long restroom lines at sports stadiums, many women with small bladders have trouble minding their pees in queues.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;">I have a cousin who proudly boasts that he is going to study forensics in college this fall. Heck, I learned that way back in 3rd grade! It's TEN!<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Emptying trash cans off the overpass into oncoming traffic was a popular prank when I was a kid. Many of my friends thought it was cool to make the drivers see trash rain down from the sky, but I refused to precipitate.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;">The bartender was half an hour late opening up the saloon. We told him his lame excuse that was full of holes and insisted he porous all free drinks.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br>I lost quite a few pounds this summer so I've decided to treat myself to a new backyard napping station. I found it in the "Hammocks are Slimmer" catalogue.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Gary Hallock<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; font-size: medium;"><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><br></span></font></span></font></span></font></div></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-67608519076270812392010-09-27T06:26:00.001-07:002010-09-27T06:26:05.136-07:00EXCITEMENT BUILDING<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">The carpenter has poor circulation so he sometimes gets bored feet.</span></div><div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A carpet layer will usually give you a square deal, but the drywall salesman always gypsum.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Beware of shady cabinet installers. Some of them are counter fitters.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">The fellow who installed our French drains does his work with grate aplomb.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">If you're uncertain about your floor plans, draw them up in pencil. It's quite remarkable.<br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">I hired a bricklayer once. The guy was simply a mason! He said he learn from the best, his mortar and fodder.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">I've been eavesdropping a lot lately but can't find a shingle builder willing to to pitch me a roof-erral.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">To help us finish up the screened-in area around our indoor pool we wanted to hire a design specialist. I expected her to help us pick out some patio furnishings but I was mistaken. When she arrived she started in with a long winded speech. Turns out she was an interior deck orator.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">If your computer isn't a Mac, please forgive my apparent jalousie. You should sill be able to read this because I took great panes to make sure these puns woodwork on windows and won't make it shutter.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Paint is expensive these days and you can easily loose your shirt. I nearly lost my coat and went flat broke when I tried to save some money by using the cheap stuff. Bad news. It would't feed right through the spray nozzle. I think it was a semi-globs.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">My home has a solid foundation though. The slab is concrete and a rebar runs through it.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Gary Hallock</span></font></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><div><br class="khtml-block-placeholder"></div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline"></span></span> </div> <br>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-84425025601341231132010-09-02T07:03:00.001-07:002010-09-02T07:03:19.892-07:00SUPERFICIAL<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Considering the generous amounts of it that she force fed us, my grandmother must have considered cod to be a super fish oil. Now I like fish okay but I don't imagine them to have super powers. Unlike my grandma, I'm not an ichthyologist. In fact I don't really believe in cod any more.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Gary Hallock</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><div><br class="khtml-block-placeholder"></div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline"></span></span> </div> <br>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-14929684411223955512010-08-23T06:20:00.001-07:002010-08-23T06:20:24.582-07:00MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 33)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">There are good grounds for the reputation of brewed coffee as a potent stimulant. When you drink enough of it, you're bound to be perky later. Learn to espresso yourself!</span><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;">If you try to amputate the pedal digit of a ghost you're bound to spill some ick toe plasm. </span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; ">Mayonnaise the time I've wondered what might happen if nobody enforced Cole's law. That would be pure Hellman!</span><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; ">There's a group of women's advocates that is lobbying to have Old Faithful declared to be female. They contend that something that dependable could not be a guy, sir.</div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; ">Can you recall the name of that little town near Duluth? Oh, that's a real know Brainerd.</div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; ">She hired me to stand guard on her jewels so I was able to overlook her vaults.</div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; ">My crazy architect wants to make a larger opening in the front of the building. I really don't know what's going through that edifice. </div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><br><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; "><div>Gary Hallock</div></span></div></div></span></font></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-43896172552940586342010-08-14T06:17:00.001-07:002010-08-14T06:17:36.791-07:00POSING PIGEONS IN THE PARK<div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Down by the boat dock in the park I've recently noted that one pigeon had begun decorating himself with shiny found objects such as paper clips or discarded aluminum pull tabs. As soon as they saw this, several other young pigeons began to emulate him and collected their own bits of litter to serve as "jewelry." Naturally this resulted a good deal of squab bling among his piers. </span></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Gary Hallock</span></font></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-11503529057392643602010-08-14T06:15:00.000-07:002010-08-14T06:16:02.265-07:00FLIGHTS OF FANCY<div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">"Ticketless" air travel has been around for a few years and now even boarding passes are going electronic. It won't be long before your plane flight will leave behind no paper trail at all. This will be good news for many men who have always been troubled with their "receipting airlines." </span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Gary Hallock</span></font></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-77864680192031963362010-08-14T06:12:00.001-07:002010-08-14T06:12:43.966-07:00GRAPE EXPECTATIONS<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; font-family: Georgia; line-height: 15px; "><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">For thousands of years the making of wine has begun with the vigorous stomping of grapes. Considering the many diseases that could potentially be spread by this method, I'm hard pressed to understand why this is preferable or even allowed. Does anyone have in cider inflammation? </span></font></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br></span></div><div style="font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; font-size: medium; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Gary Hallock</span></div></span></div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline"></span></span> </div> <br>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-35152017122554653422010-08-14T06:09:00.001-07:002010-08-14T06:09:45.059-07:00MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 32)If you're drilling for water and strike oil, could you consider<br>that occidental petroleum?<p>If you want to polish the furniture on a U-boat without anyone<br>noticing it, should you use subliminal?<p>If you're teaching beginners to dribble a basketball, should you<br>first lay out the ground drools?<p>If you are timing the progress of a boat with a chronometer and it<br>achieves a certain speed while you're observing it, might you report<br>"Knot on my watch."<p>If a female masseuse is called in to "work over" members of a musical<br>troupe but is not allowed to wear latex gloves, would she have to rub<br>'er band with rubber banned?<p>If you wanted to end it all by leaping off a cliff but a thick fog <br>rolled in just before you made your leap, would you be jumping to <br>occlusion?<p>If an escaped prisoner caught a ride with Siamese twins, should you <br>consider them conjoined?<p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-20543286120347630432010-08-14T06:06:00.001-07:002010-08-14T06:06:57.069-07:00A: EAT PREY, LOVE!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Q: What did the Cockney lioness say to her cub at meal time?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Gary Hallock</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; border-spacing: 0px 0px; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: auto; -khtml-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -apple-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><br class="Apple-interchange-newline"></span></span> </div> <br>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-66126035496167080192010-06-09T07:34:00.001-07:002010-06-09T07:34:56.783-07:00SONOFABITCHUARY<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 13px; ">British Petroleum today sadly notes the passing of 36 million gallons of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico. "Much as we will mourn the loss of this important asset to our organization, after the collapse of her rig, the patient's condition took a steep dive," a PB spokesman said. "Despite our best efforts at life support, the situation quickly deteriorated and we were forced to pull the plug." The oil is survived by family members, Tar Ball, Top Kill, Secondary Plume, and countless gallons of water fouled. The body will lie in several states until funnel arrangements can be made. Service stations are pending.</span><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#333333" face="'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br></span></font></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 13px; ">Gary Hallock</span></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-50701927334434103952010-05-29T22:02:00.001-07:002010-05-29T22:02:20.502-07:00MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 31)<font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><br></font><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: normal; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'">Since "members" of the priesthood are having so much trouble with celibacy these days, it's comforting to know that altar boys remain chased. By the way, since they do have girls singing in the choir these days, I don't think they need to alter boys any longer.<br><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">I do wonder what the altar boys do on their days off. They shouldn't be sitting around idol.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br></font></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'">On the ski slopes there's a big social risk for those who chicken out when they get to the top of the lift. In order to return to the bottom of the slope, you're going to be subjected to icy stairs. </font></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><br></font></span></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; "></span></font><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'">I don't drink alcohol but sometimes I go into pubs for the energy drinks and free food. Somewhere I've read bull gives you wings. </font></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><br></font></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; "></span></font><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'">Where do all those cute little garden angels come from? Where ever it is, I'm sure it's surrounded by water because everyone knows that gnome land is an island.</font></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px;"><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><br></font></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: normal; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'">Some of the cheapest flowers may cost only peonies, but If you watch those peonies the dahlias will take care of themselves.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">If you're not concerned about the number of people abusing drugs, you're probably just not willing to do the meth. <br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">I heard that some refugees from the recent Caribbean earthquake are still living in luxury hotels in Port au Prince. They're just relaxing and enjoying video games on their displaced Haitians. <br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></font></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; "><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; "></span><br></font></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; -webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 0px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; text-indent: 0px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; text-transform: none; orphans: 2; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; "><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Helvetica Neue'">Gary Hallock</font></div></span></span></div></div></span><br class="Apple-interchange-newline"></div></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-90591693511824928792010-02-18T07:29:00.001-08:002010-02-18T07:29:46.858-08:00MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 30)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap; ">In these times of financial uncertainty it seems the safest investment is probably fine art. I'm going to start keeping all my Monet under my Matisse.</span><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Contrary to the sound of its name, the Dodge Charger is not part of the current generation of hybrid vehicles.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Her father was a physician/author who wrote voluminous reference books, an encyclopediatrician. It's little wonder that she grew up to become an infomaniac. </span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule? That was probably the shortest time any king has ever reigned.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Does trying to keep track of all your cell phone applications make you weary? Don't worry, there's a nap for that.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'd like to get rid of that big stack of old National Geographics I've been keeping in the garage but the boxes are very heavy and I have a lot of back issues.</span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gary Hallock</span></font></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-76207753684477970702010-02-17T21:58:00.001-08:002010-02-17T21:58:08.617-08:00JUST AFTER FAT TIRE TUESDAY<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap; ">This morning I felt a strange urge to buy an American bike. Guess that's why it's called "A Schwinns Day."</span><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="'Lucida Grande', sans-serif" size="4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gary Hallock</span></font></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-5034228518352968352010-01-20T08:31:00.001-08:002010-01-20T08:31:48.136-08:00TURNING THE TABLES ON TEDDY<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Being a big fan of billiards, our newly elected 26th president was determined to have table installed in the White House. Of course he didn't want any normal billiard table. He wanted one with an ostentatious covering that would be appropriate to the nation's highest office, perhaps one featuring a presidential seal, or possibly stars & stripes. The chief executive had lots of big ideas, in fact so many that he had trouble deciding on one design. He asked the manufacturer's representative to bring in several samples to help him pick one. On the day the decision was to be made, the eager salesman arrived at the White House with a whole cart load of samples for the proposed table covering. His excitement was understandable for he was certain the odder rolls of felt would serve as a good precedent.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Gary Hallock</span>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-65316652352305513532010-01-08T07:32:00.001-08:002010-01-08T07:32:35.116-08:00UNDERWEAR BUMMER<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">Q: - How was the underwear bomber recruited by Al Qaeda?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - They made him a diaper he couldn't re-fuse<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What did the underwear bomber use to light his fuse?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - A Zippo<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - How can you tell when the underwear bomber is lying?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - His pants aren't on fire.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What was the first thing the underwear bomber's lawyer did in court?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - Filed his briefs<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What did the underwear bomber use to buy his ticket?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - Frequent fire points.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What is the most logical airline for the underwear bomber to use next time?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - A fly by ignite operator.<br><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - How did the underwear bomber react when the flight attendant informed him he wasn't allowed to smoke?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - He was put out.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - After his glorious career fizzled out, what became of the underwear bomber?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - They threw his ash in prison.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What happened when the underwear bomber discovered his wife was pregnant?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - They had a little blow up.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What sort of a lame excuse is he likely to offer to his Al Qaeda supervisors for his failure to explode?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - Costume Malfunction<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - Why was the underwear bomber so hungry after the plane landed?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - He detonate his lunch.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br>Q: - How many underwear bombers does it take to blow up a plane?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - Apparently more than one.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - Why did the underwear bomber insist on sitting in an aisle seat?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - He was uncomfortable sitting in C-4<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Q: - What happens when two underwear bombers accidentally board the same plane?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">A: - Flame wars!<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"><br></span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;">Q: - What will happen when the underwear bomber goes before the grand jury? </span></font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" face="Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif" size="3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;">A: - He will be quickly ignited.</span></font></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-81884797079900165882010-01-01T21:01:00.001-08:002010-01-01T21:01:33.999-08:00HA-PEE NEW YEAROn December 31st I ate a full pound of licorice and drank a quart of <br>water before retiring for the evening. This was to be certain that <br>when the dawn came on the new year, black I'd pee.<p>GARY HALLOCKGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-14253560463118383092009-12-30T05:13:00.001-08:002009-12-30T05:13:16.053-08:00THE DARK SIDE OF CHRISTMASOurs is a diverse neighborhood and many families don't bother to <br>decorate their homes or yards during the holidays. Others are so eager <br>to embrace the Christmas spirit that they put their lights up right <br>after Halloween. Even though there are supposed to be 12 days of <br>Christmas, (Remember the song?) these same eager folks often will <br>strip down every vestige of holiday decor even before New Year's Day. <br>This seems very odd to me and I do sometimes wonder if these fickle <br>folks are really celebrating Christmas or perhaps just showing off <br>their lights. Well, I've been pondering this question and have just <br>reached an epiphany. You can probably extinguish which families in <br>your neighborhood are the true believers by using the process of <br>illumination.<p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-41726934129446963422009-12-26T15:50:00.001-08:002009-12-26T15:50:55.769-08:00'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMASSome of the most trendy and popular gifts given this year were <br>wireless reading devices. Someone's bound to figure out that none of <br>them can hold kindle to the real thing. I guess they'll be returning <br>to the store today in order to trade paper back.<p>Another trendy electronic gizmo many people purchased was video games. <br>Ninendo actually sells a program for the Wii now that can predict the <br>future. I used to have one of those when I was a kid. It was called a <br>Wii-ja Board.<p>I mentioned earlier that my wife and mother are both members of the <br>church choir. Naturally they've gone back to mass again today to <br>perform some holiday pieces by a classical composer. That's right, <br>it's Bach Sing Day.<p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-69821173231620059862009-12-26T15:49:00.001-08:002009-12-26T15:49:55.475-08:00A CHOIRED TASTE<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">My wife and mother both sing in our church choir. Mom sits with the <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">sopranos and my wife sits with the altos. As a heathen who only <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">attends mass on holidays, I usually just sit nearby so I can <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">appreciate the music. Of course last night the small choir was singing <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Christmas music. Now, I can carry a tune okay but I don't know all the <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">words. Like several others near me, I was merely mumbling and humming <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">my way through the additional obscure verses of each song. A <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">disturbing thought suddenly occurred to me. If we choral outcasts are <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">allowed to sit apart from the choir and not actually singing the <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">words, does this mean the Catholic Church is finally willing to <br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">embrace those of us in the hummy sectional community?<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "></span>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-31717603592435832142009-12-23T09:43:00.001-08:002009-12-23T09:43:59.576-08:00DECOMPOSITION WAS INTENSEIn the midst of constructing a brief musical exercise designed to <br>demonstrate the range of a specific instrument, the famous classical <br>composer suddenly lost all inspiration. He became so depressed that he <br>not only never completed the musical work but he died soon thereafter <br>sullen and dejected. Although the piece he had been working on was <br>lost to the world, the composer was highly appreciated for the effort <br>that went into the composition. He is admired still today for his <br>morale wrecked etude.<p>Gary HallockGary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22681327.post-79987709796715936402009-12-22T08:21:00.000-08:002009-12-22T08:22:00.205-08:00HOLMES FOR THE HOLIDAYS<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">It was a slow December day at 221B Baker Street in London. Doctor Watson was busily decorating the parlor for Christmas when Sherlock Holmes suddenly became very bothered with him. Watson had brought in a live cedar sapling as a part of the decorations. Seems Holmes had some bad allergies and it was causing him to sneeze violently. </span><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px; ">"How could you bring this damnable tree into my parlor, Watson? Why didn't you conifer with me firs?"<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">"What other sort of tree would you have me use, Holmes?" inquired the good doctor.<br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">"Elm tree, my dear Watson." replied Holmes with a sniffle, "Elm tree."<br style="line-height: 1.22em; "><br style="line-height: 1.22em; ">Gary Hallock</span></div></div>Gary Hallockhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02983493278796253383noreply@blogger.com0