Too Many Puns!

DIVINE MISINFORMATION

2011-07-19T06:43:00.001-07:00

Is it possible that Obama's removal of Gates from Defense has anything to do with todays news the closing of our Borders?

While this is not exactly punny, I'm certainly enjoying the beautiful irony in the fact that News of the World is not around cover the delicious scandals swarming around the meltdown of Rupert Murdoch's media empire. Someone should start up a new tabloid devoted exclusively to covering this sleazy skulduggery. It would be an instant best seller.

Gary Hallock

AMERICA'S LEAST WANTED

2011-06-24T06:31:00.001-07:00

I heard on the news today that crime boss Whitey Bulger had been arrested. Now I'm really confused. Wasn't that Anthony Weiner's Twitter name?

Gary Hallock

BREAK FAST IN BED

2011-06-21T21:56:00.001-07:00

Imagine my surprise this past Sunday morning when I awoke to discover that my wonderful wife had made me breakfast in bed for Father's Day. What a sweet and thoughtful thing to do! Of course considering the amount of clean-up we had to do afterwards, I'm thinking it might have worked much better if she had just gone ahead and made breakfast in the kitchen and then brought it to me in the bed.

Gary Hallock

BEAT THE HOLIDAY RUSH

2010-12-02T08:42:00.001-08:00

To address the growing problem of obesity in our society, the Catholics now has a special room in the church where you can go to anonymously unburden yourself of your calorie-packed holiday candies and cookies. They call it a "confectional." If you go there often enough, you're sure to loose that big belly and find "ab-solution."

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 34)

2010-09-27T06:32:00.001-07:00

After a long evening of worrying over her super hero husband who was off on yet another crime fighting adventure, Mary Jane switched on her webcam and spied her man on the monitor. Noticing he had a big rip in the leg of his blue & red costume, she thought to herself, "Arachnids a tough job he's doing. I really should cut him some slacks."

A bus load of Playboy bunnies wrecked on the highway and many were injured. Some are still in un staple condition.

Then there was the neanderthal man who was hanging around with a bunch of his homo erectus pals. They kept urging him to walk upright but he said he just didn't want to get evolved.

Q: What's the difference between spreading genetic material between two plants and pissing off Pacific Islanders by trying to convert them to Christianity?
A: One results in cross pollination and one results in a cross Polynesian.

Waiting in the long restroom lines at sports stadiums, many women with small bladders have trouble minding their pees in queues.

I have a cousin who proudly boasts that he is going to study forensics in college this fall. Heck, I learned that way back in 3rd grade! It's TEN!

Emptying trash cans off the overpass into oncoming traffic was a popular prank when I was a kid. Many of my friends thought it was cool to make the drivers see trash rain down from the sky, but I refused to precipitate.

The bartender was half an hour late opening up the saloon. We told him his lame excuse that was full of holes and insisted he porous all free drinks.

I lost quite a few pounds this summer so I've decided to treat myself to a new backyard napping station. I found it in the "Hammocks are Slimmer" catalogue.

Gary Hallock

EXCITEMENT BUILDING

2010-09-27T06:26:00.001-07:00

The carpenter has poor circulation so he sometimes gets bored feet.

A carpet layer will usually give you a square deal, but the drywall salesman always gypsum.

Beware of shady cabinet installers. Some of them are counter fitters.

The fellow who installed our French drains does his work with grate aplomb.

If you're uncertain about your floor plans, draw them up in pencil. It's quite remarkable.

I hired a bricklayer once. The guy was simply a mason! He said he learn from the best, his mortar and fodder.

I've been eavesdropping a lot lately but can't find a shingle builder willing to to pitch me a roof-erral.

To help us finish up the screened-in area around our indoor pool we wanted to hire a design specialist. I expected her to help us pick out some patio furnishings but I was mistaken. When she arrived she started in with a long winded speech. Turns out she was an interior deck orator.

If your computer isn't a Mac, please forgive my apparent jalousie. You should sill be able to read this because I took great panes to make sure these puns woodwork on windows and won't make it shutter.

Paint is expensive these days and you can easily loose your shirt. I nearly lost my coat and went flat broke when I tried to save some money by using the cheap stuff. Bad news. It would't feed right through the spray nozzle. I think it was a semi-globs.

My home has a solid foundation though. The slab is concrete and a rebar runs through it.

Gary Hallock

SUPERFICIAL

2010-09-02T07:03:00.001-07:00

Considering the generous amounts of it that she force fed us, my grandmother must have considered cod to be a super fish oil. Now I like fish okay but I don't imagine them to have super powers. Unlike my grandma, I'm not an ichthyologist. In fact I don't really believe in cod any more.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 33)

2010-08-23T06:20:00.001-07:00

There are good grounds for the reputation of brewed coffee as a potent stimulant. When you drink enough of it, you're bound to be perky later. Learn to espresso yourself!

If you try to amputate the pedal digit of a ghost you're bound to spill some ick toe plasm.

Mayonnaise the time I've wondered what might happen if nobody enforced Cole's law. That would be pure Hellman!

There's a group of women's advocates that is lobbying to have Old Faithful declared to be female. They contend that something that dependable could not be a guy, sir.

Can you recall the name of that little town near Duluth? Oh, that's a real know Brainerd.

She hired me to stand guard on her jewels so I was able to overlook her vaults.

My crazy architect wants to make a larger opening in the front of the building. I really don't know what's going through that edifice.

Gary Hallock

POSING PIGEONS IN THE PARK

2010-08-14T06:17:00.001-07:00

Down by the boat dock in the park I've recently noted that one pigeon had begun decorating himself with shiny found objects such as paper clips or discarded aluminum pull tabs. As soon as they saw this, several other young pigeons began to emulate him and collected their own bits of litter to serve as "jewelry." Naturally this resulted a good deal of squab bling among his piers.

Gary Hallock

FLIGHTS OF FANCY

2010-08-14T06:15:00.000-07:00

"Ticketless" air travel has been around for a few years and now even boarding passes are going electronic. It won't be long before your plane flight will leave behind no paper trail at all. This will be good news for many men who have always been troubled with their "receipting airlines."

Gary Hallock

GRAPE EXPECTATIONS

2010-08-14T06:12:00.001-07:00

For thousands of years the making of wine has begun with the vigorous stomping of grapes. Considering the many diseases that could potentially be spread by this method, I'm hard pressed to understand why this is preferable or even allowed. Does anyone have in cider inflammation?

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 32)

2010-08-14T06:09:00.001-07:00

If you're drilling for water and strike oil, could you consider
that occidental petroleum?

If you want to polish the furniture on a U-boat without anyone
noticing it, should you use subliminal?

If you're teaching beginners to dribble a basketball, should you
first lay out the ground drools?

If you are timing the progress of a boat with a chronometer and it
achieves a certain speed while you're observing it, might you report
"Knot on my watch."

If a female masseuse is called in to "work over" members of a musical
troupe but is not allowed to wear latex gloves, would she have to rub
'er band with rubber banned?

If you wanted to end it all by leaping off a cliff but a thick fog
rolled in just before you made your leap, would you be jumping to
occlusion?

If an escaped prisoner caught a ride with Siamese twins, should you
consider them conjoined?

Gary Hallock

A: EAT PREY, LOVE!

2010-08-14T06:06:00.001-07:00

Q: What did the Cockney lioness say to her cub at meal time?

Gary Hallock

SONOFABITCHUARY

2010-06-09T07:34:00.001-07:00

British Petroleum today sadly notes the passing of 36 million gallons of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico. "Much as we will mourn the loss of this important asset to our organization, after the collapse of her rig, the patient's condition took a steep dive," a PB spokesman said. "Despite our best efforts at life support, the situation quickly deteriorated and we were forced to pull the plug." The oil is survived by family members, Tar Ball, Top Kill, Secondary Plume, and countless gallons of water fouled. The body will lie in several states until funnel arrangements can be made. Service stations are pending.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 31)

2010-05-29T22:02:00.001-07:00

Since "members" of the priesthood are having so much trouble with celibacy these days, it's comforting to know that altar boys remain chased. By the way, since they do have girls singing in the choir these days, I don't think they need to alter boys any longer.

I do wonder what the altar boys do on their days off. They shouldn't be sitting around idol.

On the ski slopes there's a big social risk for those who chicken out when they get to the top of the lift. In order to return to the bottom of the slope, you're going to be subjected to icy stairs.

I don't drink alcohol but sometimes I go into pubs for the energy drinks and free food. Somewhere I've read bull gives you wings.

Where do all those cute little garden angels come from? Where ever it is, I'm sure it's surrounded by water because everyone knows that gnome land is an island.

Some of the cheapest flowers may cost only peonies, but If you watch those peonies the dahlias will take care of themselves.

If you're not concerned about the number of people abusing drugs, you're probably just not willing to do the meth.

I heard that some refugees from the recent Caribbean earthquake are still living in luxury hotels in Port au Prince. They're just relaxing and enjoying video games on their displaced Haitians.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 30)

2010-02-18T07:29:00.001-08:00

In these times of financial uncertainty it seems the safest investment is probably fine art. I'm going to start keeping all my Monet under my Matisse.

Contrary to the sound of its name, the Dodge Charger is not part of the current generation of hybrid vehicles.

Her father was a physician/author who wrote voluminous reference books, an encyclopediatrician. It's little wonder that she grew up to become an infomaniac.

Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule? That was probably the shortest time any king has ever reigned.

Does trying to keep track of all your cell phone applications make you weary? Don't worry, there's a nap for that.

I'd like to get rid of that big stack of old National Geographics I've been keeping in the garage but the boxes are very heavy and I have a lot of back issues.

Gary Hallock

JUST AFTER FAT TIRE TUESDAY

2010-02-17T21:58:00.001-08:00

This morning I felt a strange urge to buy an American bike. Guess that's why it's called "A Schwinns Day."

Gary Hallock

TURNING THE TABLES ON TEDDY

2010-01-20T08:31:00.001-08:00

Being a big fan of billiards, our newly elected 26th president was determined to have table installed in the White House. Of course he didn't want any normal billiard table. He wanted one with an ostentatious covering that would be appropriate to the nation's highest office, perhaps one featuring a presidential seal, or possibly stars & stripes. The chief executive had lots of big ideas, in fact so many that he had trouble deciding on one design. He asked the manufacturer's representative to bring in several samples to help him pick one. On the day the decision was to be made, the eager salesman arrived at the White House with a whole cart load of samples for the proposed table covering. His excitement was understandable for he was certain the odder rolls of felt would serve as a good precedent.

Gary Hallock

UNDERWEAR BUMMER

2010-01-08T07:32:00.001-08:00

Q: - How was the underwear bomber recruited by Al Qaeda?
A: - They made him a diaper he couldn't re-fuse

Q: - What did the underwear bomber use to light his fuse?
A: - A Zippo

Q: - How can you tell when the underwear bomber is lying?
A: - His pants aren't on fire.

Q: - What was the first thing the underwear bomber's lawyer did in court?
A: - Filed his briefs

Q: - What did the underwear bomber use to buy his ticket?
A: - Frequent fire points.

Q: - What is the most logical airline for the underwear bomber to use next time?
A: - A fly by ignite operator.

Q: - How did the underwear bomber react when the flight attendant informed him he wasn't allowed to smoke?
A: - He was put out.

Q: - After his glorious career fizzled out, what became of the underwear bomber?
A: - They threw his ash in prison.

Q: - What happened when the underwear bomber discovered his wife was pregnant?
A: - They had a little blow up.

Q: - What sort of a lame excuse is he likely to offer to his Al Qaeda supervisors for his failure to explode?
A: - Costume Malfunction

Q: - Why was the underwear bomber so hungry after the plane landed?
A: - He detonate his lunch.

Q: - How many underwear bombers does it take to blow up a plane?
A: - Apparently more than one.

Q: - Why did the underwear bomber insist on sitting in an aisle seat?
A: - He was uncomfortable sitting in C-4

Q: - What happens when two underwear bombers accidentally board the same plane?
A: - Flame wars!

Q: - What will happen when the underwear bomber goes before the grand jury?

A: - He will be quickly ignited.

HA-PEE NEW YEAR

2010-01-01T21:01:00.001-08:00

On December 31st I ate a full pound of licorice and drank a quart of
water before retiring for the evening. This was to be certain that
when the dawn came on the new year, black I'd pee.

GARY HALLOCK

THE DARK SIDE OF CHRISTMAS

2009-12-30T05:13:00.001-08:00

Ours is a diverse neighborhood and many families don't bother to
decorate their homes or yards during the holidays. Others are so eager
to embrace the Christmas spirit that they put their lights up right
after Halloween. Even though there are supposed to be 12 days of
Christmas, (Remember the song?) these same eager folks often will
strip down every vestige of holiday decor even before New Year's Day.
This seems very odd to me and I do sometimes wonder if these fickle
folks are really celebrating Christmas or perhaps just showing off
their lights. Well, I've been pondering this question and have just
reached an epiphany. You can probably extinguish which families in
your neighborhood are the true believers by using the process of
illumination.

Gary Hallock

'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

2009-12-26T15:50:00.001-08:00

Some of the most trendy and popular gifts given this year were
wireless reading devices. Someone's bound to figure out that none of
them can hold kindle to the real thing. I guess they'll be returning
to the store today in order to trade paper back.

Another trendy electronic gizmo many people purchased was video games.
Ninendo actually sells a program for the Wii now that can predict the
future. I used to have one of those when I was a kid. It was called a
Wii-ja Board.

I mentioned earlier that my wife and mother are both members of the
church choir. Naturally they've gone back to mass again today to
perform some holiday pieces by a classical composer. That's right,
it's Bach Sing Day.

Gary Hallock

A CHOIRED TASTE

2009-12-26T15:49:00.001-08:00

My wife and mother both sing in our church choir. Mom sits with the
sopranos and my wife sits with the altos. As a heathen who only
attends mass on holidays, I usually just sit nearby so I can
appreciate the music. Of course last night the small choir was singing
Christmas music. Now, I can carry a tune okay but I don't know all the
words. Like several others near me, I was merely mumbling and humming
my way through the additional obscure verses of each song. A
disturbing thought suddenly occurred to me. If we choral outcasts are
allowed to sit apart from the choir and not actually singing the
words, does this mean the Catholic Church is finally willing to
embrace those of us in the hummy sectional community?

DECOMPOSITION WAS INTENSE

2009-12-23T09:43:00.001-08:00

In the midst of constructing a brief musical exercise designed to
demonstrate the range of a specific instrument, the famous classical
composer suddenly lost all inspiration. He became so depressed that he
not only never completed the musical work but he died soon thereafter
sullen and dejected. Although the piece he had been working on was
lost to the world, the composer was highly appreciated for the effort
that went into the composition. He is admired still today for his
morale wrecked etude.

Gary Hallock

HOLMES FOR THE HOLIDAYS

2009-12-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

It was a slow December day at 221B Baker Street in London. Doctor Watson was busily decorating the parlor for Christmas when Sherlock Holmes suddenly became very bothered with him. Watson had brought in a live cedar sapling as a part of the decorations. Seems Holmes had some bad allergies and it was causing him to sneeze violently.

"How could you bring this damnable tree into my parlor, Watson? Why didn't you conifer with me firs?"
"What other sort of tree would you have me use, Holmes?" inquired the good doctor.
"Elm tree, my dear Watson." replied Holmes with a sniffle, "Elm tree."

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 30)

2009-12-07T08:50:00.001-08:00

If someone makes money when stock market takes a dive, is he
considered a falls profit?

With everyone looking to economize in home appliances there's a new
kitchen appliance that can cook dinner for you when you take it into
your steam bath. That's right, the Sauna Also Rices.

Do female process servers sometimes suffer from subpoenas envy?

My mother cat had a litter of only one. It was born healthy but it was
very large. A few weeks went by and the baby grew fast and was soon
quite obese. I took the poor thing to the vet and told him the story.
His incredulous response? "You've got tubby kitten!"

Most American guys wouldn't go out in public wearing the clothes of a
Scotsman. You could get kilt! Of course if an American mans visits
Scotland and sees a cute tartan her native dress, that Macs a
difference. In fact if he plaid his cards right with her, he might get
lochy.

With so many newspapers going out of business these days, don't you
think the daily racing form is an unstable media?

After being fitted for a chastity belt, the young damsel became known
as a "Iron Maiden" because she was the ferrous in the land.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 29)

2009-11-13T20:57:00.001-08:00

My cat kept shredding the fabric on my furniture until I had his cloth removed.

Mallcontents - People who are pissed off at how many teens are hanging out at their favorite shopping center.

Did you hear about the successful appliance manufacturer who became a refrigerator magnate?

Would adolescent Mongolian children be called Gobi Tweens?

Suffering though a case of swine flu is certainly no walk in the pork

I can hardly wait to get to the shower. I'm hell bent for lather.

Insincere politicians never die, they just get devoted.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 29)

2009-11-13T19:04:00.001-08:00

My cat kept shredding the fabric on my furniture so I had his cloth removed.

Mallcontents - People who are pissed off at how many teens are hanging out at their favorite shopping center.

Did you hear about the successful appliance manufacturer who became a refrigerator magnate?

Would adolescent Mongolian children be called Gobi Tweens?

Suffering though a case of swine flu is certainly no walk in the pork

When I can hardly wait to get to the shower. I'm hell bent for lather.

Insincere politicians never die, they just get more devoted.

Whenever a rough character came into the old west saloon and began cursive, one of the bar maids would run down the lower case and ask someone to sans serif right away. Seeing guys of that type setter in motion quickly.

I hate it when I have to drive behind an oenophile. They always getting into a bottle neck. They should drive in singlephile.

When homeowners are forced to replace their own shingles, that just makes it roofer on everyone.

If your spouse leaves dirty laundry all over the bedroom, you're probably going to have to pick up the slacks.

You have to learn that there are some fruits you just can't take for pomegranate. For instance in the citrus growing districts of China there's lots of political maneuvering going on. You can be sure there's also a good deal of gerrymandarin going on there. Then there are the prostitutes in the brothel located above the vegetable market. They know that it's a good idea not to disturb shoppers below. They have learned to kumquat.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 28)

2009-09-05T17:57:00.001-07:00

The controversial former mayor of Washington D.C. was quite happy to hear that President Obama is going to be allowed to have a blackberry in the White House. He's expecting an invitation soon.

If they'd had a more reliable battery I'll bet the light brigade wouldn't have needed a charge.

Sometimes buying a designer label suit can cost you an Armani leg.

A winter sports retailer in Italy = Roman Pole&Ski

Bimbos driving Toyota trucks = Duh, Blonde Tundras

Are overworked elephants capable of multi-tusking?

Whenever I get the itch for some good loving I call up my best girl, Ivy. She has lots of poise'n' it's not surprising that I'd do something rash when I get that "gal'o'mine" notion.

I don't know if young cows ever drink coffee but I'll bet decaf who does would prefer his coffee black. I veal certain he wouldn't want anything to do with "calf in half." I'll bet they don't sell a late´that at SteerBucks.

I'll bet mistletoe is popular in France. People can be seen kissing at many Paris sites.

On stage at the end of Ziegfeld's Christmas shows I'll bet you could see many bows of folly.

Avoid creating a pregnant paws - spay or neuter your pet or they might end up in a comma.

There's some speculation that Jesus might have been a crack dealer because he wanted to make his disciples "fissures of men."

Not many people go to visit Walden's Pond any longer. I guess the bloom's off Thoreau's

I don't know much about March Madness basketball playoffs but it doesn't seem to me that anyone could make his picks with any confidence unless he had inside information that certain teams were planning to "throw the game." Ya know what they say, "If it ain't fixed, don't bracket."

A particular university with branches in Los Angeles, Santa Barbara & Seattle has a program aimed at providing tutoring help for under-performing students. The theory is that under achievers can boost their IQ by ingesting massive amounts of vitamins A, C & E. The control group participating in the study is known as "Antioch's Dense." [Side note: I don't believe this therapy works on free radical students.]

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 27)

2009-09-05T17:11:00.001-07:00

The retired basketball player, Lew Alcindor decided to open up a doughnut franchise. You might think he'd go for a name like Krispy Kareem but in deference to his religious conversion, he decided to name the place "Islam Dunkin' Doughnuts."

If Rip Van Winkle had slept for a hundred years instead of just twenty he would have missed out on quite a lot. Probably he would have suffered from century deprivation.

I've never been to the Container Store but it sounds like it might be a good crate-ive outlet for me. I wonder if they offer boxing lessons? When you go shopping for luggage there, do you think they mind if you show up trunk? I've often wondered this same thing about Sacks Fifth, Avenue?

Have you ever heard of the "Unscrupulizer Prize?" It's awarded annually to the newspaper columnist who commits the most outrageous breech of ethics in journalism.

In England it's always Essex of one and half a dozen of the other, but whose county-ing?

When comparing whiskeys and wines at the liquor store do you think it's wise to ask the sales clerk for age of proof?

Blind folks must be big fans of the old testament because they're often cane enabled. Favorite brand of cell used for phone sex..."Nookiea"

Many people who have lost their fortunes in this tough economy were used to living a very lavish lifestyle and will now have to give up attending all those formal dinner parties. I guess they'll be enrolling in de-tux programs.

I heard René Descartes always mixed a bit of decaf coffee in with his mashed sweet potatoes. Thus his famous quote, "Ah, Sanka! There for a yam."

True story: Yesterday I was raking leaves with the help of a 6 yr old neighbor kid who has a bit of a speech problem. He spotted a small spider and asked, "Hey, Gahwee, Is that a black widow spider?" I took one look and said, "No, it's just a widdow black spider."

Couldn't a phonograph's turntable also be considered some kind of a whirled record holder? Need to flush out your colon? Change your diet! That's a real no-bran-ner.

After eating a tasty tenderloin baked in a pastry crust I realized I must be allergic to cow meat. How'd I know? - Beef's swelling tongue! Did you see the hot new female robot from Japan? They should make a black model and call it a "Trans-sistah."

You've probably heard the rumor that J.Edgar Hoover was a cross dresser. Being the head of the bureau, he was obviously some kind of a dresser but it probably wouldn't have been wise to cross him. Old cross dressers never retire. They just get out of sequins. And then there was the uppity rooster who always wore colorful ascot wrapped around his neck. He was a craw's dresser. Then there's the guy who handles the leather jackets for those dirtbike racers. The moto-cross dresser.

Who is that singer who wears such marvelous costumes? She always has such glorious stuff on!

Muffin was called into the doctor's office to get the results of his cat scan. The vet greeted the nervous tabby with a sober expression, "I have good mews and bad mews."

When Kermit the Frog drove his 18 wheeler up onto the public scale he was immediately toad a weigh.

Undercover special agents never donate their old stuff to Goodwill because they are afraid to give away their possessions.

Each year there is a worldwide meeting of trend setting bikini manufacturers who get together to try to avoid conflict and infighting among the various designers. These gatherings have become known as "two-piece conferences."

Gary Hallock

DON'T START WARS

2009-09-05T16:54:00.001-07:00

In some far-far away alternate universe, Darth Vader and his young son were about to embark on an ocean voyage. They had just boarded the ship when the young child quickly scampered away from dad and went up on deck to wave to his friends from the railing. Unfortunately he became disoriented and went to the starboard rail instead of the port rail. Unable to see his friends, or even the pier, he was naturally confused and frightened. Suddenly the child heard the chilling voice of his enigmatic father beckon to him, "Come over to the dock side, look!"

Gary Hallock

YET ANOTHER SHAGGY BIRD STORY

2009-08-29T20:00:00.001-07:00

A bird was driving her car over the speed limit and a cop on a
motorcycle rode up beside him and shouted "Okay, plover, lady!" When
the bird stopped her car and got out, the cop saw that she was stork
naked. "Hey, where are your clothes?" the cop asked her. I don't have
anything to wear but this sweater, she admitted. "Pullover?" asked
the cop. "I already did, she replied.

Gary Hallock

ANOTHER SHAGGY BIRD STORY

2009-08-29T19:59:00.001-07:00

At the zoo they have an exotic bird breeding program where the eggs
are put into an incubator for hatching. Somehow there was some
confusion and a swan's egg got labeled as a toucan egg and
vice-versa. Even after the new chicks had hatched out nobody seemed
to notice the difference and both chicks were integrated into the
wrong bird populations. This proves the old adage, "Toucan live as
cheep as swan."

Gary Hallock (With a tip of the hat to George McClughan)

SHAGGY BIRD STORY

2009-08-29T19:56:00.001-07:00

A guy bought a pair of parrots and decided to go into the parrot
breeding business. He didn't think much of the fact that both birds
were named Polly, but unfortunately both birds were actually female.
Thus his plans for parrot breeding hit a snag until he got the idea
of cloning them. After many months of work he was eventually able to
produce a half dozen fertilized eggs. When they hatched, three of
them were normal healthy females, but the other three were male, and
the little guys had very malformed wings and legs. Little wonder that
they say, "Polly chicks makes strange bred fellows."

Gary Hallock

CURRENT CANCELLATIONS

2009-07-27T19:17:00.001-07:00

I attended a Frisbee contest yesterday but it was far too windy for the
competition. The results were very disc-gusting.

The Spain's annual running of the Bulls in Spain was cancelled due to an
outbreak of "Humane Pamplona Virus." Participants, however, still
enjoyed themselves in local bistros with their second favorite sport,
The shooting of the Bull.

The swim meet was postponed because someone fouled the water in the
pool. Favored contestants were all washed up and some had to throw in
the towel.

The watermelon seed spitting contest was called off because none of
the seeded contestants expect to rate highly.

The wet t-shirt contest at the retirement home was cancelled for lack
of support.

The banana split festival has been cancelled due to lack of a peal.

The plans for a hugging marathon have been put on hold.

The barn dance has been cancelled on account of a hoedown for repair.

The origami convention was cancelled when the organization folded.

The Couples Camping Club disbanded because their meetings were just two in tents.

Gary Hallock

DOG DAZE

2009-06-29T09:15:00.001-07:00

In this hot weather you need to make sure your dog stays cool. You don't want him to get caught with his pants down.

No wonder the dog pants. He's always wearing a coat.

Hot weather may make your bitch retriever look awfully bad too. It's hard to be fetching when you're in heat.

The dog star is named what? You can't be Sirius! Lassie and Rin-tin-tin were both bigger stars.

Q: - What late night talk show host raises dogs?

A: - David Litter-man

Gary Hallock

ON THE RODE AGAIN

2009-06-23T09:13:00.001-07:00

On vacation last year I drove on the longest and most expensive turnpike ever built, so I was tolled. I'll try not to get tripped up this year on the road. Maybe I'll just take a vacation in my head and experience some peace of mind. A head trip? That'll be a wheel different experience for me. I hope I can manage to stay on the new roll pathways.

BIBLE RE-VERSE

2009-06-19T12:56:00.001-07:00

Luke 4:23 - Gnomes with cracked femurs should refrain from imbibing
carbonated beverages. - "Fizzy shun heal thighs, Elf"

Gary Hallock

PRESIDENTIAL SWAT TEAM

2009-06-18T07:47:00.001-07:00

"I got the sucker!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORZ00OyKp0I

Now that the White House has been declared a "No Fly Zone" I'm
thinking there will be far fewer folks wishing they could be that "fly
on the wall" during Obama's meetings & interviews.

I'm just glad the Secret Service didn't need to call in a SWAT team to
conduct a RAID.

"I got the sucker!" he says

On swatting the fly. Too bad Prez

Can't swat down Bin Laden

Because he's forgotten

In which cave the sucker now is

Gary Hallock

RENTAL TELEPATHY

2009-06-16T07:48:00.001-07:00

It has been whispered that your new tenant enjoys cold potato soup. Please tell me this is just a vichyssoise roomer!

Gary Hallock

LIFE IS ADJUSTABLE EASY CHAIRS

2009-06-15T06:49:00.001-07:00

After my boss traded in his desk chair for a La-Z-Boy, he then became addicted to playing "Guitar Hero" all day. Personally I think he's office rocker.

Gary Hallock

KINDER GARDENING

2009-06-13T08:51:00.001-07:00

Toddlers will always love to help you water your flower garden. After all, most have lots of experience at wetting their pansies in the bed.

MOTEL RE-BATES

2009-06-12T08:31:00.001-07:00

I'm not a psychiatrist but I'm fairly certain that the problems which haunted Norman Bates were relatively psycho in some attic.

Gary Hallock

FRAME OF MINE

2009-06-11T06:38:00.001-07:00

In these times of financial uncertainty it seems the safest investment is probably art. I think I'm going to put my Monet under my Matisse.

Gary Hallock

STAY-CAJUN

2009-06-09T10:49:00.001-07:00

Instead of taking the bass boat to the lake this summer, I've been forced to downsize some. My "stay-cation?" Micro-fishing at the library.

Gary Hallock

WATER BORED

2009-06-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

Should Catholics who insist on sprinkling holy water over their broken leg bones be considered "blessed femurs?"

WEAR THE RUBBER MELTS THE ROAD

2009-06-04T07:19:00.001-07:00

I was recently outraged when I heard about a plan to recycle old car
tires by grinding them up and mixing them into asphalt for making new
roadways. What's wrong with this plan? This is clearly case of highway
rubbery.

Gary Hallock

FEEDING FRIEND-ZY

2009-04-03T06:18:00.001-07:00

A farmer was feeding some spoiled vegetables to his pig. The hog greedily snarffed up each over-ripe tomato, cuke and leaf of lettuce offered, but when the farmer brought out the potato, he hesitated. With a disappointed look in his eye, the pig watched as the farmer delivered the starchy treat to the sheep in the next pen. "Sorry, Wilbur," the farmer said, "This spud's for ewe."

Gary Hallock

YOU KNOW THE DRILL

2009-03-31T07:06:00.001-07:00

The poor woman wasn't really trying to kill herself. She was probably just a blonde practicing for her try-out on the drill team. If she didn't have such a twisted mind she would have consulted her drill instructor. He could have told her to press the yellow handle up to her scull instead of the dark bit. It's obvious tome that he got screwed when the black end decked her.

Gary Hallock

TWITTER QUIPS

2009-03-25T08:20:00.001-07:00

I don't know how anyone in the banking industry could complain? Getting a a bunch of lute in a federal bailout is nothing T'ARP over.

Did you see the hot new female robot from Japan? They should make a black model and call it a "Trans-sistah." <http://tinyurl.com/dctlal>

After eating a tasty tenderloin baked in a pastry crust I realized I must be allergic to cow meat. How'd I know? - Beef's swelling tongue!

Early in the space race the sanitary conditions were not too strict on NASA's launch pads. That's why the astronauts were always having boosters shot.

Gary Hallock

MARGINAL MADNESS

2009-03-23T09:03:00.001-07:00

I don't know much about the "March Madness" basketball playoffs but it
doesn't seem to me that anyone could make picks with any confidence
unless they have inside information that certain teams are planning to
"throw the game." Ya know what they say, "If it ain't fixed, don't
bracket."

Gary Hallock

HIRE EDUCATION

2009-03-23T09:01:00.001-07:00

A particular university with branches in Los Angeles, Santa Barbara &
Seattle has a new research program aimed at improving the scores of
under-performing students. The theory is that under achievers can
boost their IQ by ingesting massive amounts of vitamins A, C & E. The
control group participating in the study is known as "Antioch's
Dense." [Side note: I don't believe this therapy works on free radical
students.]

Gary Hallock

MILKIN QUICKIES (Vol 26)

2009-03-13T07:55:00.001-07:00

Last week in the midmorning sky, many people witnessed a dramatic blazing meteor plunge to earth over Texas. Such a thing is very rare in daylight and those who didn't see it are very skeptical. They're calling it a fiery tale story.

Vain environmentalists are mostly concerned about improving their own ego systems.

While doing some landscaping one day, I busted a rock in half and discovered something that appeared to be the calcified remains of an human appendage. Thinking this might be an anthropological breakthrough, I took it to a local archaeologist to have him assess it. Turned out I was mistaken, it was just a fossil arm.

When corn farmers have trouble with their crop yield, they used to resort to crop rotation. Recent studies suggest that rotation can cause your kernels to get dizzys and can even lead to crop circles. Many farmers are now embracing a new concept for irrigating corn crops that includes a slow drip infusion distilled from popular soft drink. This new system is called a "Coke leaker in plant." It's supposed to be very good for weak ears. You might be a maized.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 25)

2009-02-02T06:48:00.001-08:00

Only half of the string quartet showed up for the recording session
but they played anyhow. Unfortunately the performance didn't go very
well so they asked for a duo-over

Closing in on age 40, Latino teen heartthrob Ricky Martin isn't really
so young anymore. I hear he sometimes has trouble getting it up. Soon
we'll hear him singing a different tune, "Livin' Levitra Loca"

When a group of "jar heads" had trouble locating their Colorado brewed
beer in the dark, they used the Marine Corps' Light.

In the middle of a merry chase, those notorious Duke boys couldn't
always outrun the law and often felt the need to sequester their
beloved Dodge Charger down an overgrown path off the main road until
the heat died down. Knowing that he wasn't so good at this trick
himself, Luke General Lee allowed his brother to perform this task
because he had such a good Bo car hide rate.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 24)

2008-12-19T07:26:00.001-08:00

Early in the space race the sanitary conditions were not too strict on
NASA's launch pads. That's why the astronauts were always having
boosters shot.

Nobody likes to be rubbed the wrong way, but if I were a hard-working
terrorist a soothing bomb is something I couldn't refuse at the end of
days.

To celebrate a variety of exuberant moments, I was once in the habit
of giving a hearty "high-five" to my pals. Then one day I
mysteriously began to grow extra fingers on both hands. Naturally this
made it a bit difficult to execute the maneuver properly and I had to
modify the practice. My condition became so bad that eventually I had
grown three extra digits on each hand. Now I have had to put all of my
celebratory gestures on high-eight-us.

By now most savvy web users have learned to be wary of possible
"phishing" scams. If you suspect something you're seeing on a website
is a bit "phishy" you probably should not even enter nets.

Near the end of his life, Don Juan, the notorious "lady's man" decided
to write up his life's story. Naturally he wanted to compile a proper
chronology of all the women he had successfully seduced. Thus, he
began searching through all his old diaries in an effort to put his
affairs in order.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 23)

2008-11-14T06:12:00.001-08:00

One time the Godfather's wife volunteered to rub out the wife of
another mobster. She backed out at the last minute and instead of
whacking the broad, she merely tossed her in the dumpster. She made
her refuse. She couldn't off her.

The sheriff tossed the suspect in the cell and then he misplaced the
key. Some people think he did this on perps.

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing any
surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy? The cops busted
him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the case
was thrown out on a technicality. It was an ill eagle surgeon seizure.

When you sleep on the bottom bunk does that put you under arrest?

Didja hear about the troubled young gymnast who joined Alcoholics
Anonymous? She was doing pretty good until she ran across the gym beam
and fell off the wagon.

The funeral of the popular Brazilian band leader was really quite
festive. The musicians knew their bossa nova would have wanted them to
grieve and be samba. That's why we salsa many people dancing and
having fun.

I don't pretend to understand much about high finance and the bailout
of the banking industry, but it doesn't make much sense to me that the
government is spending billions of our dollars buying up "badass
sets." Are these collector's items?

Gary Hallock

THE OLD BRAWL GAME

2008-10-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

I've heard a rumor that many members of the underdog team in this year's
World Series have very quick Tampas and are prone to initiating bloody
scuffles on the field. I do hope all the World Series games will be
played at night so that the Phillies don't suffer from too much exposure
to the damaging ultra violent Rays.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 22)

2008-10-13T08:08:00.001-07:00

Every time the mother robin returned to the nest her chicks chirped the same question, "Did you bring something tweet?"

Are very elderly gooses called "geesers?"

Watching the VP debate last night I noticed a familiar face in the audience, a former vice president. I think I spotted Al.

Remember the TV character, "Dr. Killdeer?" If he got cold in the wintertime I'm sure he would want to wear a plover sweater.

The marketer of the Wonderbra™ has devised a model for flat chested women who want to look like they're concealing Wabash Cannon balls. They call it the "Roy A-Cup."

I dropped my keychain in the street and it slipped down into a storm drain. In dispair I said, "Oh, grate! I won't be able to get those back without committing sewercide."

When someone insults me I usually have a great comeback but I just keep it to myself. Does this make me mentally retorted?

"I'll pass judgement on this wine right after the trial," said Tom as he began to try another case.

I've been married to my old flame for 32 years. I guess that means we are a perfect match.

In some cultures when you die they build your funeral pyres on a raft and set it out to sea. That's pretty cool but it's just a bit too flamebuoyant for me.

When hunters field dress their kill and cook it on an open flame, that's called the "match game."

My curly hair really snags badly when I try to groom myself so I usually use a brush. Otherwise my hair might burst into flames because it's so comb-bustable.

Two matches were in a race to see who could get the first strike." The winner proudly proclaimed, "Ha! I BTU!"

Gary Hallock

BURNING QUESTIONS

2008-10-13T06:57:00.001-07:00

Q: Why doesn't John Fogerty ever fly first class?
A: He's always singing "Put me in coach."

Q: What character from Hamlet was good at taunting hens into producing eggs?
A: Layer tease.

Q: Does the New Testament have an index?
A: Yes, Christians have a cross reverence for every word in it.

Q: What happened when the tower of Bagel fell down?
A: It creamed Jesus

Q: Why is the "good book" so easy to procure?
A: It's buyable

If the new testament and the old testament is available in a single volume I guess you could say it's wholly buyable.

Gary Hallock

FREE-FALL FOR ALL

2008-10-01T07:55:00.001-07:00

With the economy in free-fall, it's starting to look like Warren
Buffet is the only guy left on the planet rich enough to bail us all
out. What else is he going to do with those sacks of gold, man?

Gary Hallock

THIS SEMITE BE A BIT OFFENSIVE

2008-09-30T21:57:00.001-07:00

Q: What's the name of that Jewish '50s retro rock cover band based in
Moscow?

A: Russia's Sha-na-na

Gary Hallock

2008-09-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

GYMNAST-TRICKS

2008-08-13T06:51:00.001-07:00

Olympic regulations require gymnasts to be at least 16 years old, but
some of those girls I saw last night on the Chinese team appear to be
no more than twelve. Of course they do have official Chinese passports
to prove their age, so what can be done? Carbon dating? No, they're
far too young to date. Maybe we should saw one in half and count her
Olympic rings.

Gary Hallock

I RESEMBLE THOSE REMARX

2008-07-25T09:07:00.001-07:00

Now and then when I'm working in the weeds behind my house I'll brush up against some poison ivy but it doesn't bother me too much unless I make full contact. Occasionally I'll do something more rash and blunder into a big bunch of it and end up feeling really stupid. Oddly, the days of endless scratching that follow, although annoying, tend to make me feel really good, especially when I take a hot shower. Scratching those welts is almost like a drug high. I guess it's true what Karl Marx said. "Really itchin' is the opiate of dumb asses."

Gary Hallock

BAD HEIR DAYS

2008-07-18T08:36:00.001-07:00

Our wand'ring minstral son Andrew is home for about 6 weeks this
summer as he attempts to refresh himself financially for another
year at the music school at the Hague in the Netherlands. Living in
the absence of meddling parents for a full year, his inherently curly
hair grew to new lengths and kinks. Upon his arrival we were a bit
surprised the see him sporting this new "natural" look and began
teasing him immediately about the unruly nature of his "fluffy do."
We suggested that he should at least brush it out a bit to try and
make it look a bit more civilized but he insisted that it looks even
worse when he does. What a nuisance that must be! I guess it's true
what they say. A man's comb is his hassle!

Gary Hallock

FISCAL FITNESS WOAHS

2008-07-15T17:47:00.001-07:00

Lots of rumors are lately flying about the future of a certain
celebrity couple. Brad & Angelina? No! I'm talking about Fannie and
Freddie. Is one of them about to go down? They still look good on
paper but I have to wonder if there's Ben Bernanke-pankie going on? Do
you think the nation will soon loose interest? If they should split,
who gets the houses?

Gary Hallock

HAPPY FODDERS DAY

2008-06-16T08:13:00.001-07:00

Not many people know that Mr. Ed, that famous talking horse from TV,
once sired a son. It was much speculated that this little foal would
grow up to be a talker too, but whinny grew old enough to start
talking, the only sounds he made were merely traditional horse noises.
Of course everyone was a bit disappointed about his lack of speaking
ability and the poor colt was quickly saddled with a very awkward
nickname based upon the ordinary sounds he made. What nobody ever
expected was that this young horse with the linguistic bloodline
actually grew up to be a writer rather than a rider. He eventually
authored a book about himself and his relationship with his celebrity
sire. The title of his book sounded very much like that of a well
known war novel.

What was it called? "The 'Neigh Kid' and the Dad."

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 21)

2008-06-15T22:20:00.001-07:00

If a policeman asks you to take out the trash, would that be an
officer you can't refuse?

I wanted to become a Satanist but I was chicken. That's when I started
worshiping deviled eggs.

Smooching in the back seat while you drive across Washington state. -
"To WallaWalla car-petting."

Vanna White's new autobiography. - "The Art of Linking Letters"

What if Ike Turner's ex-wife got a sex change operation? Wouldn't she
become ARGENTINA?

Lil' Abner cartoonist meets an Italian Actor at Starbuck's. - AL
CAPACINO

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 20)

2008-06-13T07:15:00.001-07:00

I'd like to meet the guys who invented turpentine. Sadly these guys are long dead so I would just be talking to ghosts. These mineral spirits.

"Cigarette cause cancer." - Truer words were never smokin'

Are ambitious young members of the landed gentry considered upwardly noble?

Most Jamaican restaurants don't serve bagels because the owners dread lox.

I went to the hardware store to buy one of those three pronged pitchforks like Neptune uses but I couldn't find one. I trident didn't find one.

Gary Hallock

DOIN' THE NASA-TY

2008-05-26T08:05:00.001-07:00

In light of NASA's highly successful landing of another Mars probe,
don't you imagine other nations with less-than-stellar space programs
are today experiencing a bit of Phoenix envy?

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 19)

2008-04-01T08:32:00.001-07:00

Didja hear about the new airport in London that's exclusively for
sissy boys? Heathrow's like a girl.

When they hypochondriac heard there was a new medication available to
treat cardiac pain, it made his heart soar.

A publisher recently approached the Hasbro/Playskool toy company about
creating a book that celebrates the history of their popular Weebles
child's toys. Nobody at the company was interested until the publisher
reminded them that such a book pretty much writes itself.

If you heard Mr. Standish's cell phone ringing as you went by, would
that be considered passing a Miles tone?

If you buy non-precious gems on eBay can you send your funds via
PayOpal?

Did you hear about the walrus whose girlfriend refused to go steady
with him? She probably wanted to sea otters.

That walrus' promiscuous girlfriend couldn't stand his monogamous
ways so she broke up with him entirely. He was lately heard singing
the song..."You picked a fine time to leave me, loose seal."

Gary Hallock

CADDY LACK ARREST

2008-03-12T07:47:00.001-07:00

When I went to trade in my old vehicle at the dealership I got quite
a shock to realize it was worth only 50% to 75% of what I thought it
would be. In fact the news struck me so hard I suspected I was having
a heart attack but it turned out to be merely a case of "my ol' car
dealin' fraction."

(Lest anyone leap to a conclusion, I should note here that the above
story is totally apocryphal. If you want to know the truth, I'll de-
fib ya later.)

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 18)

2008-03-10T10:26:00.001-07:00

A local organization is collecting funds to buy bandages with inspirational quotes printed on them. I'm not certain what the name of the charity is but I'm sure the money goes for a wordy gauze.

Did you hear about the strange priest who was discovered to be dressing as a nun? He admitted he was a transistor and he just couldn't shake the habit.

Only when welders are put in charge of everything will we experience a "Braised New World." (Ironic, ain't it?)

I heard Porky Pig has begun a new career doing stand up comedy and the audience is really enjoying his bacon bits. Of course he's a bit of a ham but that can be cured.

I had to fire my personal trainer because I just wasn't working out.

Gary Hallock

THE RACE IS ON

2008-02-06T06:00:00.001-08:00

Most observers assumed that on the morning after "Super Tuesday" we would awake to smaller field of viable presidential contenders or at least a better idea of the direction the races are headed. Analysts sifting through the ashes Wednesday morning find this is not the case. For both parties, the contest for the presidential nomination is still a delegate ballots. Now, as the Texas primary approaches, for the first time the candidates may begin to recognize how much is at state.

Gary Hallock

REVENGE'S SUITE

2008-01-31T07:02:00.001-08:00

I paid a bunch of money to have my sofa re-upholstered but when it came back from the shop, the pillows were not done right. Let me tell you, I am pretty upset and there will be repair cushions.

I went to a new age festival intending to join in a drum circle. Unfortunately my instrument was stolen and I was unable to play, but next time I will bring a spare. Let me tell you, I am pretty upset and there will be re-percussions.

I bought a new hip-hop CD by an artist named "Kanye East." Seems I was the victim of some clever bait 'n' switch marketing as this performer is just a distant relative of Mr. West. Let me tell you, I am pretty upset and there will be rapper cousins.

Because he loveswordplay, I challenged Alex Ramirez to a little fencing contest. Unfortunately he's much better at dueling than I so he was able to tag me several times, dammit! Let me tell you, I am pretty upset and there will be rapier cussin's.

Gary Hallock (I'm sure Alex is going to see that epee dearly for that last one!)

NO CLEMENS, SEE?

2008-01-08T08:22:00.001-08:00

How about that Roger Clemens? Do you think that pitcher's story will hold water? I think he's got a major
leak. If I were a member of the news media I don't think I'd want to Yankee's chain again.

Gary Hallock

VACATION SNIPPETS

2007-12-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

Before I left for vacation I spread grass seed across my lawn to create a ground cover. When I returned home a few weeks later I discovered all my plans winter rye.

Visiting in Holland I intended to bring home some cheese but never found any that was Gouda 'nuff.

I really wanted to bring home a pair of traditional Dutch clogs. Wooden shoe?

There seem to be quite a lot of gay men in Holland. I finger it has something to do with the dam dikes.

We couldn't dine out at any of the street cafes because of the high water table.

I couldn't afford to bring home any original Dutch artwork, but reprints on postcards can be had Vermeer pennies.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 17)

2007-10-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

In these days of skyrocketing medical costs, some superstitious
people have resorted to tossing their money in a fountain to ensure
their good health. These folks are known as "well wishers." (To coin
a phrase)

And then there was the poor little inkblot who was so upset because
his daddy was going to the pen for a long period and nobody knew when
the sentence would end.

When the judge failed to issue a search warrant for the suspect's
apartment, the swat team was ordered to stand down. The detectives
were sent home and the forensics crew was called off and the arrest
was history.

Gary Hallock

YUM! KIPPERS

2007-10-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

Not many people realize those dough balls used in that Jewish soup are manna-factured in Matzoh-potamia in the middle yeast. Originally they were sweetened with sugar Canaan some other kind of fruit, but I can't remember the date.

Gary Hallock

STILL IN DE NILE

2007-10-10T06:50:00.001-07:00

When Howard Carter and his crew opened the fabled tomb of King Tut in 1922, there were centuries of dust covering all of the amazing artifacts inside. It's little wonder then that the teams working inside to document the ancient tomb began to experience some breathing problems. Although they were all wearing dust masks, many of the crew were still sneezing, wheezing and hacking all the while. The sounds of all of this respiratory discomfort echoed though the hollow chambers and created quite a spooky din of background noise for the workers. When curious representatives of the news media ventured into the dig to record the historic finds, they were naturally curious about the strange noises emanating from the opening. Eager to play up the idea of a "curse" one interviewer asked Carter if he thought these eerie sounds might be some manifestation of Tut's haunting presence. "I really don't think so," replied Carter. "Even though these sounds are coming from the burial chamber. What your hearing is just our cough, I guess."

Gary Hallock

RENTS & REPEAT

2007-10-02T21:43:00.001-07:00

As some of you may know, my family is in the apartment business.
Recently we put out a sign on the street to advertise our vacancy. It
says "Model Open - Come on in"

Before long a customer came by wanting to meet our "model" and wanted
to know exactly what sort of things she was open to.

I'm thinking about changing the sign to read. "We now have a nice
large unit. Ask about our package deal."

Gary Hallock

PSEUDO-RIDDLES

2007-10-02T06:54:00.001-07:00

Q: Why did the suicide bomber die hungry?

A: He detonate lunch.

Q: How does a psychic determine what kind of cigarette someone smokes?

A: He uses menthol telepathy.

Q: The famed baseball player, "A-Rod" was invited to a costume party where the theme was "literary figures." He arrived wearing nothing but a Julius Caesar haircut and a laurel wreath. What literary figure was he trying to represent?

A: Alex be toga-less.

Q: What do you get if you open a gambling casino in quaint country inn?

A: A bettin' breakfast

Gary Hallock

GOSPEL ACCORDING TO PITA

2007-09-30T22:52:00.001-07:00

Somewhere in the middle yeast after the unleaventh century a tall
structure began to rise. Because it was used to store wheat, the
emperor called it his Tower of Bagel. Unfortunately marauders kept
graining entrance to the structure and plundering his supply. That must
have been before he put lox on it.

Gary Hallock

CROSS PURPOSES

2007-09-26T06:31:00.001-07:00

Once he discovered he could make it from water, Jesus started drinking quite a lot of wine. Naturally he started to get a little paunchy around the middle. Peter told Paul that he was going to suggest to Jesus he should go on a diet and get more exercise.

"Savior breadth," answered Paul. When you're king of the juice there's you don't need to worry what Yahweh.

Gary Hallock

NO WONDER EUROPEAN SO MUCH

2007-09-24T08:23:00.001-07:00

I went into a bar near Austria to get a beer. When the bartender set
the mug down it must have cracked because the beer started dripping
out. It must have been a Liechtenstein. I didn't want the drink to go
to waste so I gulped it down fast and was Belgian all afternoon.

Gary Hallock

CAN'T YOU BAGHDAD THING UP?

2007-09-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

David Petraeus has a new bumper sticker on his Hummer as he cruises the roads around Baghdad. "Warning: A determined surgin' General can be hazardous to your health."

Gary Hallock

LEAVE WELL ENOUGH LEONA

2007-08-31T07:36:00.001-07:00

Although she's not been a popular punch line for several years, everyone still knew and remembers the late Leona Helmsley as the cantankerous "Queen of Mean." Little wonder then that her death notice appeared on the "Ol' Bitch-uary Page" of the paper.

Speaking of bitches with paper, did you hear that she's left 12 million bucks to her dog, "Trouble?" Ordinarily I wouldn't give a pug nickel for a Maltese, but in this dog-eat-dog world, you have to respect a dog with dough. Any mutt who is that well heeled should consider making some shrewd financial investments. Perhaps the dog could buy out Michael Vick's contract.

Gary Hallock

THE MUSIC OF LOVE

2007-08-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

Setting the proper mood for love making is very important for many singles "on the make." Picking the right time and place to turn on the charm and make your move is a true art. Of course selecting the proper mood music is also a key ingredient in the process of seduction. Depending on degeneration and culture you came of age in, the ultimate vocal seductions might have been provided by Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley or Randy Travis. For many people of my generation no there was no voice more effective for the task than the velvet tones of Barry White.

Whatever your age or skill level is, it's not fair to expect your favorite song stylist to do all the work. In ardor to accomplish the perfect seduction many other factors have to considered. A fine meal, soft lighting and good hygiene all play a role here as well. Beyond selecting the proper music, by far the most important of these other ingredients would be creating the proper time and place. If you can't be fairly certain that your seduction won't be interrupted or your date made uncomfortable by the an awkward ambiance, then you might as well save your seduction music for another time and just play something else. Early in the evening I would always get a good idea whether or not I was going to "get lucky." At that crucial moment when I would go to select the proper record, my policy always was, "If love venue is wrong, I don't want a B. White."

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 16)

2007-07-31T21:49:00.001-07:00

My brother-in-law just turned 40. He sold his Town &Country mini-van
and bought himself a snazzy little PT Cruiser. I think he's going
thru a mid-life Chrysler.

I know a guy who has a French dog whose parents were both without
pedigree. He calls him "Cur Mutt the Frog."

And then there was the clumsy young emu who grew up so fast that he
was always stumbling over his nest mates. He was eventually ostrich-
sized.

I know a guy who thought he was going to profit handsomely on the
sale of his house. Unfortunately the market tanked and when the
payment came through he discovered he wasn't even going to recover
his initial investment. Guess that's what's known as a "realty check."

Gary Hallock

SOME PIANISTS ARE HYPER-OCTAVE

2007-04-10T09:05:00.001-07:00

Q: Why does the owner of the piano store spend so long unlocking the
door every morning?
A: He has 88 keys.

Q: How can you tell which guy is the owner of the piano store?
A: He's the bald one.

Q: Which woodland creature is responsible for making the black keys
on the piano?
A: A bunny.

Q: What did the piano tuner say when he discovered an inferior wood
was responsible for the lackluster tone tone of the piano?
A: "Yew sound board."

Q: How much does a miniature Steinway?
A: About a half tone.

Q: How much would a pair of concert Steinway's cost to rent?
A: Two grand at lease.

Gary Hallock

Re: MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 15)

2007-03-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

I just saw a promo for an adventure program on cable TV where guys run their kayaks in dry riverbeds during drought season. The program is called EX-STREAM SPORTS.

If a rich fellow is a fan of eBay but hasn't the time do make his own purchases, perhaps he can get his butler to do his bidding.

Since so many have such a low opinion of pornography, why is it so seldom disgust?

Don't expect to buy fine neck ware when you visit Thailand or Taiwan. They may both located along the silk road but ascot nothing to do with it.

Gary Hallock

THIS MUSIC SHOULD BE BAND

2007-02-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

A skilled band of musicians was booked to perform a tribute concert
of famous jazz music pieces. On their playlist were memorable
instrumental works made famous by names such as Coltrane, Brubeck,
Hampton, Parker and Monk.

Live audiences tend to be very critical of poorly performed live
renditions of recordings made popular by the legendary names of jazz,
so the band director was quite adamant about having each piece
meticulously rehearsed. He noted with poignant irony that, for the
sake of authenticity, he would not allow any of the trademark
improvisations for which are the highlight of many jazz performances.

After their third frustrating evening of rehearsal, the exasperated
director reluctantly decided that the tune at the top of the bill,
Blue Monk, was just going to be more than this group could handle.
Admitting that the piece was far too complex and intricate to be
recreated by a live tribute band, he struck the opening number from
his playlist and announced, "We've rehearsed this piece for three
doggone nights. I've decided 'ONE' is Thelonious' number that you'll
never do."

Gary Hallock

BURNING QUERIES (Vol. 1)

2007-01-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the bounty hunter who arrested a dressage rider at the horse show? Hay! He was jumping bales.

Did you hear about the stuck-up priest who refused to hear confessions? He was a strong believer in "no bless oblige."

Do you think anthropologists would consider a crew of Ghostbusters to be a group of haunter gatherers?

Is it better to be affable than full of bull?

If a Mexican kisses you is it appropriate to say, "Smooches gracias?"

Gary Hallock

MISHEARD MENTALITY

2006-12-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

Sylvester Stallone has started his own corporation and is making himself "See, yo."

I understand that NYC is going to ban fat trannies. This is bound to result in a lot of really cross dressers.

Rumor has it that a certain sexy Hollywood actress has a part time job destroying worn-out library books. It's Tara Reid.

The Secretary of Labor admits that the Bush administration's solution to unemployment is not working. I'm no economist but that just doesn't sound like a very good plan.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 14)

2006-11-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

I bought a bag of coffee at Hole Foods Store so I should not have been surprised to discover that it was underground.

She wanted to learn to live off the land so she joined the forage club.

Business executives in Iraq have trouble getting any work done because members of the office staff are so quick tempered. They're suffering from a lot of secretarian violence.

Whenever they started kissing passionately he would always begin to fiddle with her bra strap, which she considered to be undo pressure.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 13)

2006-11-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

I went to consult my favorite psychic yesterday and she had already
decorated her place for Christmas. She had dozens of little St. Nick
figurines on the shelf above her fireplace. I was kind of surprised
that she would do this sort of decorating so early in the season, but
I should have known. She's just an old Santa Mantel-ist.

I took my car to the body shop recently to have a broken door hinge
repaired. Although it's fixed now I wouldn't say the job was well
done. It was, however, well did.

I can stir the sugar in my coffee with either hand. I'm ambi-dextrose.

I have some diamond necklaces that I want to keep shiny so I think
I'll put a coat of lacquer on them. This probably sounds like a topic
for a science fiction story because it's a bit jewels varnish.

We've asked for volunteers to chair the Peer Review committee, the
Sexual Harassment committee and the Labor Relations committee. Now
Sylvia has already been in Labor for a few days and Peer's gone to
John so the only remaining question is who is to head up Harassment?

I think there's something wrong with that new Pope. He's been
addicted to something. You don't believe me? Look, It's right here in
the papacy.

Want to take a ride on my new pleasure boat? Everything on it is
state of the yacht!

Did Johann Sebastian have Bach springs on his bed?

I was no fan of Donald Rumsfeld but if we really want to protect our
borders I'm not sure we should have Gates on Defense.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 12)

2006-11-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

On Halloween night Mr. Hyde ran short of elixir causing him to revert to his alter ego earlier than was planned. He suffered from premature Jekyllation.

Q: What type of tool is used to remove the roof of a meet market?

A: A shingles bar

Burger King slogan in South America - Have it Uruguay!

Unchecked spread of venereal disease could easily bring a halt to syphillisation as we know it.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 11)

2006-11-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

When Britney Spears was asked a trivia question she was stumped for an answer until her husband Kevin fed her a line.

Sign on the boxing promoter's door: Altercations done while you wait.

Alice was so forgetful she would let food in her refrigerator rottweiler dog went hungry.

Daffynition: Alcoholism - a fall from grapes

Gary Hallock

FOR THE RIGHT PRICE

2006-11-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

After serving 35 years on TV's popular game show, The Price is Right, the host is finally going to retire next year. I imagine he'll now have more time to concentrate on his sideline of neutering dogs. That right, he'll still Bob Barkers.

Gary Hallock

HALLOWEEN LAUGHED-OVERS

2006-11-01T08:31:00.000-08:00

There was a severe shortage of fuel for witches brooms for this year. To save on expenses some were seen riding about on their more efficient mop heads.

It's lucky that Halloween fell on a Tuesday this year because witches & warlocks don't like to work on Wiccans.

Did you hear about the old krone which wuz halving a badd spel?

And then there was the lazy old mutt that hung around with the Wiccans. That is not a dog witch haunts.

Gary Hallock