Saturday, September 05, 2009


The retired basketball player, Lew Alcindor decided to open up a doughnut franchise. You might think he'd go for a name like Krispy Kareem but in deference to his religious conversion, he decided to name the place "Islam Dunkin' Doughnuts."

If Rip Van Winkle had slept for a hundred years instead of just twenty he would have missed out on quite a lot. Probably he would have suffered from century deprivation.

I've never been to the Container Store but it sounds like it might be a good crate-ive outlet for me. I wonder if they offer boxing lessons? When you go shopping for luggage there, do you think they mind if you show up trunk? I've often wondered this same thing about Sacks Fifth, Avenue?

Have you ever heard of the "Unscrupulizer Prize?" It's awarded annually to the newspaper columnist who commits the most outrageous breech of ethics in journalism.

In England it's always Essex of one and half a dozen of the other, but whose county-ing?

When comparing whiskeys and wines at the liquor store do you think it's wise to ask the sales clerk for age of proof?

Blind folks must be big fans of the old testament because they're often cane enabled. Favorite brand of cell used for phone sex..."Nookiea"

Many people who have lost their fortunes in this tough economy were used to living a very lavish lifestyle and will now have to give up attending all those formal dinner parties. I guess they'll be enrolling in de-tux programs.

I heard René Descartes always mixed a bit of decaf coffee in with his mashed sweet potatoes. Thus his famous quote, "Ah, Sanka! There for a yam."

True story: Yesterday I was raking leaves with the help of a 6 yr old neighbor kid who has a bit of a speech problem. He spotted a small spider and asked, "Hey, Gahwee, Is that a black widow spider?" I took one look and said, "No, it's just a widdow black spider."

Couldn't a phonograph's turntable also be considered some kind of a whirled record holder? Need to flush out your colon? Change your diet! That's a real no-bran-ner.

After eating a tasty tenderloin baked in a pastry crust I realized I must be allergic to cow meat. How'd I know? - Beef's swelling tongue! Did you see the hot new female robot from Japan? They should make a black model and call it a "Trans-sistah."

You've probably heard the rumor that J.Edgar Hoover was a cross dresser. Being the head of the bureau, he was obviously some kind of a dresser but it probably wouldn't have been wise to cross him. Old cross dressers never retire. They just get out of sequins. And then there was the uppity rooster who always wore colorful ascot wrapped around his neck. He was a craw's dresser. Then there's the guy who handles the leather jackets for those dirtbike racers. The moto-cross dresser.

Who is that singer who wears such marvelous costumes? She always has such glorious stuff on!

Muffin was called into the doctor's office to get the results of his cat scan. The vet greeted the nervous tabby with a sober expression, "I have good mews and bad mews."

When Kermit the Frog drove his 18 wheeler up onto the public scale he was immediately toad a weigh.

Undercover special agents never donate their old stuff to Goodwill because they are afraid to give away their possessions.

Each year there is a worldwide meeting of trend setting bikini manufacturers who get together to try to avoid conflict and infighting among the various designers. These gatherings have become known as "two-piece conferences."

Gary Hallock


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