Saturday, February 25, 2006


Discovered I don't have the Vegas
Idea where my trip's first leg is
Depends upon whether
I'm Hell bent for Nether
Does anyone know where the Hague is?

Travelling to Vegas would be a bit too much of a gambol so I'll
direct my feet to the sunny Zeider Zee street. I wonder if the
computers over there run Den Haagen DOS?

If they do, I'll scream at you.

At any rate, I'll be Holland my ass outa here tomorrow for a few weeks.
Hope you can live without me.

Gary Hallock (On vacation until March 14)

See ya in a few smiles

Monday, February 20, 2006

A RARIE HOME COMPANION (an original seasonal shaggy dog story)

All rabid fans of the shaggy dog story genre (a.k.a. "groaners") will recall the tired old tale of the frustrated fellow who sought to unceremoniously dispose of his troublesome pet "Rarie." ("A rarie home companion," if you will) The punch line to that gem goes something like this..."It's a long way to tip a rarie." Likely very few readers will remember or revere this far more bizarre tale involving some other creatures of the same species. It goes something like this...

Saint Nicholas was one fellow who recognized the true talents of the raries and thus one year undertook the task of training a number of them as seasonal workers at his North Pole workshop. Probably few folks realize that the elves are specialists at making toys but many extra hands are still needed to wrap and load the millions of packages into the sleigh on Christmas eve. The raries were cute, worked cheap and if they became a nuisance, well, they could easily be pushed off a cliff. (See original story) Being somewhat diminutive like an elf, the raries were also able to negotiate the small working quarters and handle the same small tools, so raries and elves seemed a good fit. To more quickly distinguish these raries from the actual elves, St. Nick decided to outfit each of the creatures with a lightweight pull-over cotton undershirt that featured a colorful image of his own jolly old face.

The raries and the elves seemed to work well together and all was fairly harmonious until the big Christmas eve rush. Things were getting quite hectic and some of the elves grew impatient with the clumsy raries who, unfamiliar with the procedures were botching many things up and slowing down the process in the way that only a seasonal worker can do. You know the type! One particular rarie was especially inept in his tasks and was constantly being corrected and berated by the head elf. It almost seemed as if the elf was deliberately trying to tick a rarie off. As the final frantic hour arrived and the frenzy of activities rapidly built to a crescendo, this one beleaguered little rarie could take the elf's harassment and criticism no more.

Nobody actually saw the moment when it happened but the sullen little rarie must have just suddenly snapped. In a fit of rage and fury he pounced on the belligerent little elf and savagely beat him to a pulp. By the time the other elves managed to pull the creature off the top of his tormentor and subdue him, his cute little Kris Kringle shirt had become splattered with the green blood of the battered elf who had provoked him so. Naturally the entire North Pole was abuzz with the news of this outrageous event and it really did put quite a damper on the remainder of the season's celebrations. In an atmosphere of shame and distrust, the rest of the raries were relocated to California to work as fruit and vegetable pickers. Of course they were forced to leave behind the single offending rarie who had gone berserk. He was jailed, accused of aggravated assault and was held for trial. Lucky for him he was able to retain a very good lawyer who discovered a seldom used loophole in the law that seemed to address just such a situation. What was his defense? "Temp, a rarie in Santa tee."

Happy holidays,

Gary Hallock

Sunday, February 19, 2006


There's a popular new film about to be released soon. It's about the junior senator from Illinois who is rumored to be secretly using a brand of women's shampoo - BRECK BARACK MOUNTAIN.

And then there's the film about two gay classical music composers - BAROQUE BACH MOUNTIN'

And of course there's also the film about gay Scottish shepherds - BROGUE BACK MUTTON

Gary Hallock


Users of a certain computer operating system are famously untroubled by viruses. Still, there has been a very strange thing happening lately to these computer users and experts are finding it tough to explain. It's not a virus really, but somehow these particular computers have been unexpectedly displaying images of fiddles. They're oddly reminiscent those crazy flying toasters from several years back, as these musical instruments just mysteriously show up on the computer screen suddenly, without warning and seemingly for no reason. There's no spam associated with it. It doesn't erase your hard drive or seem to do anything other than display cryptic photos of fiddles at odd moments. Police are having trouble establishing a possible motive for this mischief or citing any suspected perpetrators. Still, they're troubled by these "Random Macs of violins."

Gary Hallock

Thursday, February 09, 2006


While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gorgeous gorge that I thought was an echo canyon. I shouted "Hello there." but the response sounded to me like "Hello where?" I tried again. "How do you do?" A moment later the report came back sounding like, "How do I do what?" Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test. "You're not really an echo canyon, are you?" The response from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions. "Brilliant deduction, Einstein. I'm a sarcasm."

Gary Hallock