MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 34)

After a long evening of worrying over her super hero husband who was off on yet another crime fighting adventure, Mary Jane switched on her webcam and spied her man on the monitor. Noticing he had a big rip in the leg of his blue & red costume, she thought to herself, "Arachnids a tough job he's doing. I really should cut him some slacks." 

A bus load of Playboy bunnies wrecked on the highway and many were injured. Some are still in un staple condition.

Then there was the neanderthal man who was hanging around with a bunch of his homo erectus pals. They kept urging him to walk upright but he said he just didn't want to get evolved.

Q: What's the difference between spreading genetic material between two plants and pissing off Pacific Islanders by trying to convert them to Christianity?
A: One results in cross pollination and one results in a cross Polynesian.

Waiting in the long restroom lines at sports stadiums, many women with small bladders have trouble minding their pees in queues.

I have a cousin who proudly boasts that he is going to study forensics in college this fall. Heck, I learned that way back in 3rd grade! It's TEN!

Emptying trash cans off the overpass into oncoming traffic was a popular prank when I was a kid. Many of my friends thought it was cool to make the drivers see trash rain down from the sky, but I refused to precipitate.

The bartender was half an hour late opening up the saloon. We told him his lame excuse that was full of holes and insisted he porous all free drinks.

I lost quite a few pounds this summer so I've decided to treat myself to a new backyard napping station. I found it in the "Hammocks are Slimmer" catalogue.

Gary Hallock

EXCITEMENT BUILDING

The carpenter has poor circulation so he sometimes gets bored feet.

A carpet layer will usually give you a square deal, but the drywall salesman always gypsum.

Beware of shady cabinet installers. Some of them are counter fitters.

The fellow who installed our French drains does his work with grate aplomb.

If you're uncertain about your floor plans, draw them up in pencil. It's quite remarkable.

I hired a bricklayer once. The guy was simply a mason! He said he learn from the best, his mortar and fodder.

I've been eavesdropping a lot lately but can't find a shingle builder willing to to pitch me a roof-erral.

To help us finish up the screened-in area around our indoor pool we wanted to hire a design specialist. I expected her to help us pick out some patio furnishings but I was mistaken. When she arrived she started in with a long winded speech. Turns out she was an interior deck orator.

If your computer isn't a Mac, please forgive my apparent jalousie. You should sill be able to read this because I took great panes to make sure these puns woodwork on windows and won't make it shutter.

Paint is expensive these days and you can easily loose your shirt. I nearly lost my coat and went flat broke when I tried to save some money by using the cheap stuff. Bad news. It would't feed right through the spray nozzle. I think it was a semi-globs.

My home has a solid foundation though. The slab is concrete and a rebar runs through it.

Gary Hallock

SUPERFICIAL

Considering the generous amounts of it that she force fed us, my grandmother must have considered cod to be a super fish oil. Now I like fish okay but I don't imagine them to have super powers.  Unlike my grandma, I'm not an ichthyologist. In fact I don't really believe in cod any more.

Gary Hallock