Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Is it possible that Obama's removal of Gates from Defense has anything to do with todays news the closing of our Borders?

While this is not exactly punny, I'm certainly enjoying the beautiful irony in the fact that News of the World is not around cover the delicious scandals swarming around the meltdown of Rupert Murdoch's media empire. Someone should start up a new tabloid devoted exclusively to covering this sleazy skulduggery. It would be an instant best seller.

Gary Hallock

Friday, June 24, 2011


I heard on the news today that crime boss Whitey Bulger had been arrested. Now I'm really confused. Wasn't that Anthony Weiner's Twitter name?

Gary Hallock

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Imagine my surprise this past Sunday morning when I awoke to discover that my wonderful wife had made me breakfast in bed for Father's Day. What a sweet and thoughtful thing to do! Of course considering the amount of clean-up we had to do afterwards, I'm thinking it might have worked much better if she had just gone ahead and made breakfast in the kitchen and then brought it to me in the bed.

Gary Hallock

Thursday, December 02, 2010


To address the growing problem of obesity in our society, the Catholics now has a special room in the church where you can go to anonymously unburden yourself of your calorie-packed holiday candies and cookies. They call it a "confectional."  If you go there often enough, you're sure to loose that big belly and find "ab-solution."

Gary Hallock

Monday, September 27, 2010


After a long evening of worrying over her super hero husband who was off on yet another crime fighting adventure, Mary Jane switched on her webcam and spied her man on the monitor. Noticing he had a big rip in the leg of his blue & red costume, she thought to herself, "Arachnids a tough job he's doing. I really should cut him some slacks." 

A bus load of Playboy bunnies wrecked on the highway and many were injured. Some are still in un staple condition.

Then there was the neanderthal man who was hanging around with a bunch of his homo erectus pals. They kept urging him to walk upright but he said he just didn't want to get evolved.

Q: What's the difference between spreading genetic material between two plants and pissing off Pacific Islanders by trying to convert them to Christianity?
A: One results in cross pollination and one results in a cross Polynesian.

Waiting in the long restroom lines at sports stadiums, many women with small bladders have trouble minding their pees in queues.

I have a cousin who proudly boasts that he is going to study forensics in college this fall. Heck, I learned that way back in 3rd grade! It's TEN!

Emptying trash cans off the overpass into oncoming traffic was a popular prank when I was a kid. Many of my friends thought it was cool to make the drivers see trash rain down from the sky, but I refused to precipitate.

The bartender was half an hour late opening up the saloon. We told him his lame excuse that was full of holes and insisted he porous all free drinks.

I lost quite a few pounds this summer so I've decided to treat myself to a new backyard napping station. I found it in the "Hammocks are Slimmer" catalogue.

Gary Hallock


The carpenter has poor circulation so he sometimes gets bored feet.

A carpet layer will usually give you a square deal, but the drywall salesman always gypsum.

Beware of shady cabinet installers. Some of them are counter fitters.

The fellow who installed our French drains does his work with grate aplomb.

If you're uncertain about your floor plans, draw them up in pencil. It's quite remarkable.

I hired a bricklayer once. The guy was simply a mason! He said he learn from the best, his mortar and fodder.

I've been eavesdropping a lot lately but can't find a shingle builder willing to to pitch me a roof-erral.

To help us finish up the screened-in area around our indoor pool we wanted to hire a design specialist. I expected her to help us pick out some patio furnishings but I was mistaken. When she arrived she started in with a long winded speech. Turns out she was an interior deck orator.

If your computer isn't a Mac, please forgive my apparent jalousie. You should sill be able to read this because I took great panes to make sure these puns woodwork on windows and won't make it shutter.

Paint is expensive these days and you can easily loose your shirt. I nearly lost my coat and went flat broke when I tried to save some money by using the cheap stuff. Bad news. It would't feed right through the spray nozzle. I think it was a semi-globs.

My home has a solid foundation though. The slab is concrete and a rebar runs through it.

Gary Hallock

Thursday, September 02, 2010


Considering the generous amounts of it that she force fed us, my grandmother must have considered cod to be a super fish oil. Now I like fish okay but I don't imagine them to have super powers.  Unlike my grandma, I'm not an ichthyologist. In fact I don't really believe in cod any more.

Gary Hallock

Monday, August 23, 2010


There are good grounds for the reputation of brewed coffee as a potent stimulant. When you drink enough of it, you're bound to be perky later. Learn to espresso yourself!

If you try to amputate the pedal digit of a ghost you're bound to spill some ick toe plasm. 

Mayonnaise the time I've wondered what might happen if nobody enforced Cole's law. That would be pure Hellman!

There's a group of women's advocates that is lobbying to have Old Faithful declared to be female. They contend that something that dependable could not be a guy, sir.

Can you recall the name of that little town near Duluth? Oh, that's a real know Brainerd.

She hired me to stand guard on her jewels so I was able to overlook her vaults.

My crazy architect wants to make a larger opening in the front of the building. I really don't know what's going through that edifice. 

Gary Hallock