RE: BATES

Norman Bates was so troubled by what was going on at the family hotel he went to visit a psychiatrist. After hearing the whole gruesome story about his being at the mercy of his wacky mother living in an upstairs room of his house, the doctor told him he really shouldn't worry about it. "Seems to me these problems are not really yours," the doctor said, "They're all a psycho in some attic." 

Gary Hallock

HERE'S A REAL KLINKER

The commandant of the German prison camp was often bothered stalagmites crawling into his stalactites.

Gary Hallock

WHAT'S THE BREW HA-HA?

Two rival beer makers were in a labor dispute with their employees over the pay scale for their brewery workers. One brewer barley paid a living wage while the other offered a decent salary but extended staff few benefits and no hop for advancement. To diminish the chances of a strike, professional negotiators were called in to work out a deal with the owners of both breweries. The last we heard the two brewmeisters were still at lagerheads.

Gary Hallock

RECALLING THE BATTLE DAYS

In movies about America's wild west we often see portrayals of Indian raids wherein literally thousands of deadly arrows are showered down upon wagon trains or military forts. I've always been a bit skeptical when I see scenes such as this, for I know that constructing the flint points for spears and arrows must have been a slow and tedious task for these tribes. It's very unlikely that Indian raiding parties would have been so wasteful of their ammunition, as they doubtless would fear running short of time and resources required to replenish their supplies of spears, hatchets and arrows for the next encounter. Surely they'd not want to risk getting caught knapping between battles.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 2)

Not many people realize that St. George was an early proponent of computer user interface innovations. It was he who developed the "Dragon Drop" technique. 

There's a local charity that advertises that if you donate your car you can get a free pick-up. How can they make that pay?

I saw a street corner panhandler yesterday that was dressed as a clown. I guess he was trying to stand out from the crowd because he held up a sign that read, "I beg to differ."

You might say that a sea bird loosing feathers was taking a "downtern" but that's only a matter of a pinion.

Remember that Bob Dylan song where he expressed his preference for pilfered horses? "Like a Stolen Roan."

Gary Hallock

POLL FALSE

If you took a poll you'd find that most cruel people are not just average, They're downright mean in statistic.

Gary Hallock

DOUBLE OR NOTHING

There was once a Hollywood stand-in who did a lot of body "double work" for many famous actors. Now and then a non-smoking actor would be called upon to appear in a scene where his character would be expected to puff butts prodigiously. In cases such as this, the body double would be called in to "take the hit" so to speak. Unlike many of the more dangerous types of stand-in work, being a body double in a smoking scene doesn't pay much. Little wonder then, that at the end of the week, his paycheck was usually quite small. I guess it's true what they say, "Smoking stunts your gross."

Gary Hallock

LOOK DOWN IN THE MOUTH

Mine is an "old school" dentist who believes those in his lofty
profession should exercise a certain measure of social
responsibility. He's therefore come out against artificial methods of
tooth whitening. I guess you could say he has a "no bless a bleach"
attitude.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 1)

My toilet overflowed the other day and I had to call a plumber. I felt pretty foolish about having to do this. Perhaps next time I should have a back-up plan.

A woman went to the beauty parlor and reluctantly agreed to be the first customer of the new stylist on his first day. She wasn't very happy with the results and left feeling rookie dude.

I bought a calendar this year that features nothing but ducks. I didn't realize it until I looked at it more closely but they're all actually decoys. Now that's just quackers! Waterfowl trick!

There was an misguided fisherman who ventured to Paris and dropped his large fishing net into the river. He foolishly presumed he could haul in a large catch by drawing up the rope at the bottom, but he was sadly mistaken. Any Seine pursing knows that won't work.

Gary Hallock