WHO PLANET THIS STORY?

Pluto's recent strange public behavior has been a source of distress among movie studio heads so he's being demoted. No longer will he be a star but will hereafter be known as dwarf. Considering his newly diminished stature I think this is a sign tall just is more important than he thought. In other news, when Tom Cruise was asked to comment on Mel Gibson's recent drunken ranting, he blamed them on the juice. Now that's just ridiculous. What could O.J. have to do with this?

Gary Hallock

DON'T MESS WITH TEXTS'S

School attendance has dropped dramatically in recent years as many students seem to have discovered other pursuits that fascinate them much more than what's being offered in class. School staff and administrators are falling all over themselves to reverse this trend by devising classroom activities that are trendy and relevant to the lifestyles of today's youth. Some innovative teachers are taking advantage of student's passion for techno-gagets by devising educational games where they can use their text messaging feature to answer questions on pop quizzes via cell phones. Math questions are made more relevant by incorporating pop culture elements such as analyzing and charting contestant's vote statistics from TV shows like American Idol. Some teachers are even employing what they call "Google Games" where students compete to conduct rapid research and collect tidbits of trivia.

When asked his opinion on these new trends in making classroom activities more relevant for today's students, one school superintendent commented, "I'm in favor of anything that prevents students from getting bored of education. That's my job."

Gary Hallock

THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT

In our increasingly litigious society, corporal punishment is practically a thing of the past in schools these days. One "old school" educator, however, seems to have misinterpreted one of our president's favorite mantras and has used it to justify continued use of the dreaded "paddle" as a disciplinary tool. Thinking that he had received a couched clearance from our commander in chief, he's taken to administering punitive whacks only on the starboard cheek of miscreant's butts. He calls it his "No child's left behind" policy.

Gary Hallock

HAWAII DUNE NOW?

An old Hawaiian geezer was on his deathbed and refusing to take any nourishment. He was on the verge of dehydration or starvation and something would have to be done soon if he didn't eat. It seemed a rash decision but doctors were forced to give him pois in IV.

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 3)

And then there was the proctologist refused to do a colonoscopy on the priest because he felt it's unwise to mix religion and polyp checks.

Did you hear about the hog whose uncle was really into football? He was a pigs kin.

A popular baseball player was experiencing a slump. He kept dropping the ball and was generally screwing up every play he made. Then suddenly one day his game improved tremendously. It made everyone suspicious he might have been taking anti-bollix steroids. 

I'm not really one of those conspiracy nuts, but don't you think it's possible that the National Cemetery at Arlington is all just a big government plot?

Gary Hallock