TURNING THE TABLES ON TEDDY

Being a big fan of billiards, our newly elected 26th president was determined to have table installed in the White House. Of course he didn't want any normal billiard table. He wanted one with an ostentatious covering that would be appropriate to the nation's highest office, perhaps one featuring a presidential seal, or possibly stars & stripes. The chief executive had lots of big ideas, in fact so many that he had trouble deciding on one design. He asked the manufacturer's representative to bring in several samples to help him pick one. On the day the decision was to be made, the eager salesman arrived at the White House with a whole cart load of samples for the proposed table covering. His excitement was understandable for he was certain the odder rolls of felt would serve as a good precedent.

Gary Hallock

UNDERWEAR BUMMER

Q: - How was the underwear bomber recruited by Al Qaeda?
A: - They made him a diaper he couldn't re-fuse

Q: - What did the underwear bomber use to light his fuse?
A: - A Zippo

Q: - How can you tell when the underwear bomber is lying?
A: - His pants aren't on fire.

Q: - What was the first thing the underwear bomber's lawyer did in court?
A: - Filed his briefs

Q: - What did the underwear bomber use to buy his ticket?
A: - Frequent fire points.

Q: - What is the most logical airline for the underwear bomber to use next time?
A: - A fly by ignite operator.

Q: - How did the underwear bomber react when the flight attendant informed him he wasn't allowed to smoke?
A: - He was put out.

Q: - After his glorious career fizzled out, what became of the underwear bomber?
A: - They threw his ash in prison.

Q: - What happened when the underwear bomber discovered his wife was pregnant?
A: - They had a little blow up.

Q: - What sort of a lame excuse is he likely to offer to his Al Qaeda supervisors for his failure to explode?
A: - Costume Malfunction

Q: - Why was the underwear bomber so hungry after the plane landed?
A: - He detonate his lunch.

Q: - How many underwear bombers does it take to blow up a plane?
A: - Apparently more than one.

Q: - Why did the underwear bomber insist on sitting in an aisle seat?
A: - He was uncomfortable sitting in C-4

Q: - What happens when two underwear bombers accidentally board the same plane?
A: - Flame wars!

Q: - What will happen when the underwear bomber goes before the grand jury? 

A: - He will be quickly ignited.

HA-PEE NEW YEAR

On December 31st I ate a full pound of licorice and drank a quart of
water before retiring for the evening. This was to be certain that
when the dawn came on the new year, black I'd pee.

GARY HALLOCK