MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 28)

The controversial former mayor of Washington D.C. was quite happy to hear that President Obama is going to be allowed to have a blackberry in the White House. He's expecting an invitation soon.

If they'd had a more reliable battery I'll bet the light brigade wouldn't have needed a charge.

Sometimes buying a designer label suit can cost you an Armani leg.

A winter sports retailer in Italy = Roman Pole&Ski

Bimbos driving Toyota trucks = Duh, Blonde Tundras

Are overworked elephants capable of multi-tusking?

Whenever I get the itch for some good loving I call up my best girl, Ivy. She has lots of poise'n' it's not surprising that I'd do something rash when I get that "gal'o'mine" notion.

I don't know if young cows ever drink coffee but I'll bet decaf who does would prefer his coffee black. I veal certain he wouldn't want anything to do with "calf in half." I'll bet they don't sell a late´that at SteerBucks.

I'll bet mistletoe is popular in France. People can be seen kissing at many Paris sites.

On stage at the end of Ziegfeld's Christmas shows I'll bet you could see many bows of folly.

Avoid creating a pregnant paws - spay or neuter your pet or they might end up in a comma.

There's some speculation that Jesus might have been a crack dealer because he wanted to make his disciples "fissures of men."

Not many people go to visit Walden's Pond any longer. I guess the bloom's off Thoreau's

I don't know much about March Madness basketball playoffs but it doesn't seem to me that anyone could make his picks with any confidence unless he had inside information that certain teams were planning to "throw the game." Ya know what they say, "If it ain't fixed, don't bracket."

A particular university with branches in Los Angeles, Santa Barbara & Seattle has a program aimed at providing tutoring help for under-performing students. The theory is that under achievers can boost their IQ by ingesting massive amounts of vitamins A, C & E. The control group participating in the study is known as "Antioch's Dense." [Side note: I don't believe this therapy works on free radical students.]

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 27)

The retired basketball player, Lew Alcindor decided to open up a doughnut franchise. You might think he'd go for a name like Krispy Kareem but in deference to his religious conversion, he decided to name the place "Islam Dunkin' Doughnuts."

If Rip Van Winkle had slept for a hundred years instead of just twenty he would have missed out on quite a lot. Probably he would have suffered from century deprivation.

I've never been to the Container Store but it sounds like it might be a good crate-ive outlet for me. I wonder if they offer boxing lessons? When you go shopping for luggage there, do you think they mind if you show up trunk? I've often wondered this same thing about Sacks Fifth, Avenue?

Have you ever heard of the "Unscrupulizer Prize?" It's awarded annually to the newspaper columnist who commits the most outrageous breech of ethics in journalism.

In England it's always Essex of one and half a dozen of the other, but whose county-ing?

When comparing whiskeys and wines at the liquor store do you think it's wise to ask the sales clerk for age of proof?

Blind folks must be big fans of the old testament because they're often cane enabled. Favorite brand of cell used for phone sex..."Nookiea"

Many people who have lost their fortunes in this tough economy were used to living a very lavish lifestyle and will now have to give up attending all those formal dinner parties. I guess they'll be enrolling in de-tux programs.

I heard René Descartes always mixed a bit of decaf coffee in with his mashed sweet potatoes. Thus his famous quote, "Ah, Sanka! There for a yam."

True story: Yesterday I was raking leaves with the help of a 6 yr old neighbor kid who has a bit of a speech problem. He spotted a small spider and asked, "Hey, Gahwee, Is that a black widow spider?" I took one look and said, "No, it's just a widdow black spider."

Couldn't a phonograph's turntable also be considered some kind of a whirled record holder? Need to flush out your colon? Change your diet! That's a real no-bran-ner.

After eating a tasty tenderloin baked in a pastry crust I realized I must be allergic to cow meat. How'd I know? - Beef's swelling tongue! Did you see the hot new female robot from Japan? They should make a black model and call it a "Trans-sistah."

You've probably heard the rumor that J.Edgar Hoover was a cross dresser. Being the head of the bureau, he was obviously some kind of a dresser but it probably wouldn't have been wise to cross him. Old cross dressers never retire. They just get out of sequins. And then there was the uppity rooster who always wore colorful ascot wrapped around his neck. He was a craw's dresser. Then there's the guy who handles the leather jackets for those dirtbike racers. The moto-cross dresser.

Who is that singer who wears such marvelous costumes? She always has such glorious stuff on!

Muffin was called into the doctor's office to get the results of his cat scan. The vet greeted the nervous tabby with a sober expression, "I have good mews and bad mews."

When Kermit the Frog drove his 18 wheeler up onto the public scale he was immediately toad a weigh.

Undercover special agents never donate their old stuff to Goodwill because they are afraid to give away their possessions.

Each year there is a worldwide meeting of trend setting bikini manufacturers who get together to try to avoid conflict and infighting among the various designers. These gatherings have become known as "two-piece conferences."


Gary Hallock

DON'T START WARS

In some far-far away alternate universe, Darth Vader and his young son were about to embark on an ocean voyage. They had just boarded the ship when the young child quickly scampered away from dad and went up on deck to wave to his friends from the railing. Unfortunately he became disoriented and went to the starboard rail instead of the port rail. Unable to see his friends, or even the pier, he was naturally confused and frightened. Suddenly the child heard the chilling voice of his enigmatic father beckon to him, "Come over to the dock side, look!"

Gary Hallock