THE DARK SIDE OF CHRISTMAS

Ours is a diverse neighborhood and many families don't bother to
decorate their homes or yards during the holidays. Others are so eager
to embrace the Christmas spirit that they put their lights up right
after Halloween. Even though there are supposed to be 12 days of
Christmas, (Remember the song?) these same eager folks often will
strip down every vestige of holiday decor even before New Year's Day.
This seems very odd to me and I do sometimes wonder if these fickle
folks are really celebrating Christmas or perhaps just showing off
their lights. Well, I've been pondering this question and have just
reached an epiphany. You can probably extinguish which families in
your neighborhood are the true believers by using the process of
illumination.

Gary Hallock

'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

Some of the most trendy and popular gifts given this year were
wireless reading devices. Someone's bound to figure out that none of
them can hold kindle to the real thing. I guess they'll be returning
to the store today in order to trade paper back.

Another trendy electronic gizmo many people purchased was video games.
Ninendo actually sells a program for the Wii now that can predict the
future. I used to have one of those when I was a kid. It was called a
Wii-ja Board.

I mentioned earlier that my wife and mother are both members of the
church choir. Naturally they've gone back to mass again today to
perform some holiday pieces by a classical composer. That's right,
it's Bach Sing Day.

Gary Hallock

A CHOIRED TASTE

My wife and mother both sing in our church choir. Mom sits with the 
sopranos and my wife sits with the altos. As a heathen who only 
attends mass on holidays, I usually just sit nearby so I can 
appreciate the music. Of course last night the small choir was singing 
Christmas music. Now, I can carry a tune okay but I don't know all the 
words. Like several others near me, I was merely mumbling and humming 
my way through the additional obscure verses of each song. A 
disturbing thought suddenly occurred to me. If we choral outcasts are 
allowed to sit apart from the choir and not actually singing the 
words, does this mean the Catholic Church is finally willing to 
embrace those of us in the hummy sectional community?

DECOMPOSITION WAS INTENSE

In the midst of constructing a brief musical exercise designed to
demonstrate the range of a specific instrument, the famous classical
composer suddenly lost all inspiration. He became so depressed that he
not only never completed the musical work but he died soon thereafter
sullen and dejected. Although the piece he had been working on was
lost to the world, the composer was highly appreciated for the effort
that went into the composition. He is admired still today for his
morale wrecked etude.

Gary Hallock

HOLMES FOR THE HOLIDAYS

It was a slow December day at 221B Baker Street in London. Doctor Watson was busily decorating the parlor for Christmas when Sherlock Holmes suddenly became very bothered with him. Watson had brought in a live cedar sapling as a part of the decorations. Seems Holmes had some bad allergies and it was causing him to sneeze violently. 

"How could you bring this damnable tree into my parlor, Watson? Why didn't you conifer with me firs?"
"What other sort of tree would you have me use, Holmes?" inquired the good doctor.
"Elm tree, my dear Watson." replied Holmes with a sniffle, "Elm tree."

Gary Hallock

MILKIN' QUICKIES (Vol 30)

If someone makes money when stock market takes a dive, is he
considered a falls profit?

With everyone looking to economize in home appliances there's a new
kitchen appliance that can cook dinner for you when you take it into
your steam bath. That's right, the Sauna Also Rices.

Do female process servers sometimes suffer from subpoenas envy?

My mother cat had a litter of only one. It was born healthy but it was
very large. A few weeks went by and the baby grew fast and was soon
quite obese. I took the poor thing to the vet and told him the story.
His incredulous response? "You've got tubby kitten!"

Most American guys wouldn't go out in public wearing the clothes of a
Scotsman. You could get kilt! Of course if an American mans visits
Scotland and sees a cute tartan her native dress, that Macs a
difference. In fact if he plaid his cards right with her, he might get
lochy.

With so many newspapers going out of business these days, don't you
think the daily racing form is an unstable media?

After being fitted for a chastity belt, the young damsel became known
as a "Iron Maiden" because she was the ferrous in the land.

Gary Hallock